I feel rather victorious... I just walked from whole foods back to the eastern prom using washington to avoid the steep hills of fox and walnut... and i did it. was it easy no but i did. now that i am sitting it is starting to catch up to me. but yea. trying is so much better than not trying, trying w/ the belief that you can do it and while being connected to inner strength best of all.
the key is in taking breaks. I took whatever street is next to franklin.... was slightly less steeper than pearl, to congress and then rested on the stone structure by catholic charities. then i had the part of congress from franklin to washington, and rested at otto's when i got to washington at their outdoor tables (they were still open, it was 1030!). The part on washington felt long but I did it... eventually got to the path that led up to the eastern prom. rested on the benches in the park there before i did the part of the eastern prom, and on a bench near the apt when i got here. Four equal parts.... all seperate equal parts... and the key was not so much in SOLVING THE PROBLEM RIGHT NOW and I always want to do but in finding appropriate places to rest in the middle. If I had taken Fox and Walnut, it would have been far quicker, maybe 3 times as much, BUT i would have never gotten up the damn thing because it's too much difficulty too fast. I would have been in tears from trying before I even got a quarter of the way up. So, that is a good analogy for life, in that when you push yourself to do something too quickly or too far above your ability level, you'll give up and give up on everything. BUT if you decide to take the long and winding way, as I did tonight by going out of the way to go back up to Congress and then to Washington, and then rest along the way, you'll get there in one piece... tired, but with a sense of achievement and sanity intact.
If you take Commercial, like I did the other night, the difficulty level is only moderate but the DRUDGERY of it will kill you. And it was freaking long. And no place to rest. Analogy to life... If you don't do things with some difficulty level, you won't get to the peaks that make it interesting enough to keep going. All flat terrain may look appealing but the drudgery of it will kill you.
So, yeah... took about an hour with breaks. No bus on Sunday night and the one taxi I'll take wasn't available. Very humid today so that is a big part of what made it such a big achievement. The humidity got better at night but was still there... 55 dewpoint instead of 64 did make a big difference, though.
Learning to connect even when the world feels it is falling apart, learning to find your center...
I was in pieces when I got to the museum and didn't think I'd be able to stay.... but then calmed down and was able to talk to N... which made me feel calm enough to talk to the artist who was showing his work in the room across the hall..and then came back into the main room and two older men were having a vigorous conversation with N.... which I was able to sit calmly and listen to and then when I figured out what they were talking about, participate in on occasion.... I really enjoyed that.. they asked such pointed interesting questions.... and at times the conversation moved too fast for me to keep up with but at the same time they were at least talking in complete sentences, unlike so many people, and so I could at least figure out what they were trying to get at . They were asking, among other things, if the synagogue would marry gay people. Then a discussion on transgender people and the receptivity of different religions to gays ensued. As well as some sort of discussion about people who didn't know they were Jewish, or weren't exposed much to Judaism, and were basically raised Christian but then came back to their Jewish roots.
Or something. It was interesting, but hard to keep up with, as it moved so quickly. But fun, so much fun, to be a part of. Then the one guy asked me what I did, and I said I'm a writer, and then the questions of what do you write about, he seemed interested, I gave my standard answer, psychology ,but he wanted more, so I said disability, more, so I said autism... he wanted to know all about autism, and so I told him what I thought might be relevant.... gave him my blog.... my friend came over to help me with something and met me there and then turned out she knew N from a long time ago..... wandered whole foods for a while.... I survived the day.... Oh.... Met a girl I talked to at WF in the cafe...got phone numbers from her and this woman who is the janitor there who I always like because she kind of stands out in a way that feels familiar to me..... So... I did manage to seek and find social connection today, even on a 83 degree 64 dewpoint day where I was falling apart at first but managed to keep going until I found my way to connection..... Now I feel ...... Pretty not grounded but maybe with a little more sense of being able to handle it... Maybe with more of a sense than usual of my connections to others and ability to handle it... I hope that lasts.
I AM ...
2 days ago