This may be stream of conscious writing until I may or may not eventually get to something more solid to say... =) (ed note, skip to middle part)
Took the bus into Portland to grocery shop today, which I hadn't done in a month.
The 20 minutes waiting for the bus was iffy, but not too bad. It wasnt too humid fortunately. And I sat on the curb so I didnt have to stand. At 15 min late I starte worrying, but he came at his usual exactly 20 min late on the nose mark. I hadnt seen him in a month, we talked about festivals an I found out he loves the Beatles too. It's too bad he works Saturdays, when most of them are. When I got to Portland, I was so surprised, the farmers market was on! I had completely forgotten it was Wed. In fact I'm gonna have to start going in every Wed to go. Even tho it's only produce an nothing else, its still fun. I was so surprise and happy. R and I walked around for a while.
We saw the woman who usually sells her photos on Exchange St. R decided to buy a picture of elephants he liked, an she gave him a dollar off since she knows us! Her granddaughter gave me a shell necklace she made for free, it was cute. I wished I had somethig for her. We sat on the bench in Mon. Sq for a while and talked . It was such a beautiful, sunny, good air day, to be sitting in Mon Sq an chatting on such a beautiful day felt very good. Then we went to Tommy's Park and R cut my hair. Which feels much better now! Oh, and we saw a cute 18 mo kid there playing with his dad. He gave R a high 5! We also saw someone in a yamaca (sp), very rare for Portland, and a transgender guy in a wheelchair stopped to talk to us, rather, R. There were kids playing hackey sack, men selling hot dogs, and everyone just enjoying the beautiful city.
After my haircut, we met up with another friend and walked down to Whole Foods. A long and involved discussion followed, and I got my groceries, which I ha to rush on cus of the long convo, but it was ok. I got what I needed and stayed under my price limit. I was able to help my friends with something, which made me feel good. Overall, the sunshine and non humidity, the feeling of independence of getting there myself, and the being with friends (and getting groceries myself) made it for a very good day overall. I am glad to have those once in a while!
(more solid part)
Why am I feeling happy now? I think it was because I was able to help someone. I know it is, in fact. I am so tired of always being the one who needs help. It feels SO GOOD TO BE ABLE TO HELP someone. It makes me feel more complete, like more of a human being. It makes me feel worthy. I love it!
I walked to WF with my friends, let's call them R and B. I am sure I will forget who B is if I use the initial B, but oh well. B started crying when we got there. I was very concerned and wanted to help her, but she couldn't tell me what was wrong. I asked R in private if he knew what was wrong, but he said he couldn't tell me unless B wanted to tell me herself. I accepted that and we walked back to the table. B said to me very shakily "Can I ask your advice on something?" I was honored, floored to be honest, and said Of course. I don't think anyone has ever asked me that before. She then said "Could we go outside?" and I said Sure, just tell me where. I had memories of me asking my stepmom the same exact things, more or less, years ago in just as shaky and uncertain terms, and I was honored and privileged to be the one on the other side for once.
We stepped outside, and, well I should make this vague since it's a blog and all, but she was having relationship problems with her boyfriend, R, who was also with us (although not outside). She was having trouble getting him to tell her some things she needed to know, for lack of better phrasing. I sympathized and reassured and then said (well, first asked for permission to) talk to him. So then I went inside and asked him the questions I wanted to ask him. It took some time to make sure I fully understood his answers, but I did. At this point R wanted B to come back inside, so I went outside, relayed to her what I knew so far, and she came back in.
To make a long story short, by the end of it, after I had helped translate what R wanted to say but couldnt figure out how to say to B, B understood that what had happened was not her fault, which is what she had feared all along. Although she was of course understandably still not pleased at the thing that happened, she was much relieved that she hadn't caused it, and the two had a much better understanding of each other. I also learned some things about B that will help me be a better friend to her, which she needs, so I am glad about that, too. They both thanked me sincerely as they left. It felt SO GOOD to have helped someone in a truly meaningful way. Also, I feel much more comfortable swimming around in people's emotional lives than I do just about any other place, probably because it makes me feel emotionally connected to others, which I struggle with, so that part was good, too. That is of course why I read so many autism blogs and books and so on.
It would be beyond rewarding to be a counselor of some sort, but I'd only have enough in me to do it in a very limited way, and there are too many other factors in the way. But if anyone has a problem they want me to listen to, well, I'm your person, because for some reason I've always found it much easier to listen to others talking about their problems or significant things in their lives than all the other paling by comparison things people talk about.
Man, it felt so good to be needed. It touches that emotional spot in me that is so often barrenly empty and aching, that I try so hard to fill or else not think about. All I want is a good friendship where I can contribute and give as much as my partner, but all too often it seems the balance is shifted way too much in favor of what the other person does for me, due to my many limitations. I try not to think of myself as limited and give what I can - caring, good cheer, smiles, support, companionship, and the occasional chocolate or two. And I think those areall good things and enough for now, but wouldn't I love to make it more equal, like I did today.
He gave me a haircut, and I helped him with his relationship issues. Perfect equals.
May there be many more days like today =)
I AM ...
2 days ago