I am not in Bend! A Love Song to Portland

I had been trying to think of something to be happy about, lately. Tonight was no exception. My little brother called me, and this made me very happy, as it was so nice to hear his voice and to talk to him. He also used his new knowledge as a nurse to help me with a medical issue I've been having. We got disconnected, and I was happy for a while till I got to not being happy again, and then I finally got him on the phone again. He had been going through the mountains and lost the call, through the mountains to Bend, Oregon.

I used to live in Bend. That's a long story that I wrote extensively about on another blog. The blog has now dissapeared, which makes me dissapointed. I did not like Bend, for many reasons, mostly that the dry air and extreme sun made it hard for me to breathe and made me very disoriented. Also, people are very fragrant in their use of perfumes there, and it's as far away culturally and geographically from Maine as you can get without being in, say, Arizona.

So, as I hung up, I thought to myself, I have something to be happy about now! I am not in Bend!
That thought alone was enough to make me happy.

The other day, I was in Portland, walking the streets that I love so much, and I made a list of all the things that had made me smile and made me happy while I walked around. I have unfortunately lost the list, but I will try to recreate it here. I stood there, the intersection by the Eastland right by the art musuem as I waited to cross, after walking down from Longfellow Square, and I thought to myself,
after a lovely, sunny, beautiful day of walking around my beloved city of Portland, "Please let me remember just to be happy to be near Portland. I love this city so much. I love everything about it, and even though my life is in turmoil and I am not where  I want to be in any sense of the phrase, let me remember that as long as I can get to Portland, I must be doing all right."

I can't claim to have remembered that plea to myself as much as I would like. I get upset, depressed, agitated, even hopeless at times, so many times, since that moment only a few days ago. But I am remembering it now, and if I remember it at least on and off, maybe that will be good enough. Maybe that is all you can ask.

For now, I present

Reasons to be Happy in Portland on a Sunny Tuesday in May

Pink cherry blossoms swirling around your feet as you walk down Pine Street in the West End
An impromptu concert at the Bank of America balcony in Monument Square
Stores that have their doors open, heralding spring
Street musicians adding to the joy and wonder of the city - guitar and even violin
Sitting on the square granite monument in the middle of Monument Square that has held you for so many years, through so many lives - It is still there. You are still there, and it is still there, and its permanence soothes you.
The guy who plays his guitar on Commercial Street who remembers you and starts to play the Beatles when you approach
The gelato shop, the lox place, and being known by people who work there
Coconut and chocolate sorbetto and the best lox in the state consumed on a lazy afternoon
The boats of Long Wharf, their reflections shining in the water
People, so happy to be out in the sun, lounging in the parks from Longfellow Square to the Old Port
The familiar streets and buildings, the people watching, the buses, everything working like clockwork

I walked that day, from Monument Square to the water of Commercial St to get some lox, back up to Monument and further up Congress to the art museum and then Longfellow Square, down Pine St to get to my appt. An hour later, back down, to Fore St in the Old Port for some gelato, back to Commercial to pick up the lox I bought earlier, and taking a new way, a shortcut I had just discovered, Union St straight up and a right to get to the street that would lead me down to Whole Foods. Walking around Portland feels like living out a love song for my city. It is a meditation, it is an expression, of a kind. Portland's streets are the mantra of which I live my life, at least the better parts of it. Do I always feel like this? Not every time, but enough , enough to make it worth it.

I have always swooned over Portland and I suppose that I should be thankful that in all the turmoil that seems to constantly follow my life, that has never, ever changed. I doubt it ever will.

How could anyone build a city more perfect than Portland? I admit, I am biased.

Because tonight I have something, however small, to be happy about.

I am not in Bend.

Hallejuah! I must be doing something right.

Putting the Moose in Mousse (Or, Therapy 101)

So, while we're on the topic of seeming irrelevant topics (and when am I ever not on that topic?), I called both Aurora Provisions and Foley's bakery about one particular subject today - Mousse. Particularly, chocolate mousse. You see, last week, last  Friday to be exact,  I went into a gourmet food shoppe I had never been into in Portland that you have to walk by to get to my psych nurse appt. It was like a heaven ,a nirvana. Best. Gourmet. Food. Shop. Ever! I got a few things, one for Tim, a Dolfin lavender chocolate bar that I thought I could eat, and my friend R got a few things, but I kept coming back to... .The Mousse. 

A container of nothing but dark chocolate expresso mousse for a few bucks. Omg, did I keep coming back to it. I couldn't leave the store without it, so I got it figuring I could give it to N or R and *someone* could enjoy it. 

But, I have to tell you a secret. In all the bakeries, chocolate shops and foodie places I've been in the in the last 2 years, this little chocolate mousse was the first to break through my defenses. 

I ate some.

This may not sound out of the ordinary to you, but the last time I tested dairy and eggs was around 2 years ago and I had a bad reaction. So despite loving the stuff to death I have avoided every trace of it for 2 years. Which ended with that lovely chocolate expresso mousse.

It was absolutely wonderful and decadent. Since it was mousse, I could eat it with a spoon and bypass my sensitive teeth. Since it was just mousse, I could seperate it from other possible allergens like gluten. How could I resist? It melted in your mouth, so light , fluffy and yet intense. Dark chocolate gave way to just a hint of expresso - not enough to overwhelm as expresso usually does. Just enough to add to the flavor profile. And when you added the banana sorbetto I had gotten from GF to a small (and I do mean small, I was using a gelato spoon) spoonful of it, the flavors melded together and exploded in a beautiful symphony of chocolate,expresso and banana.

And the most amazing thing? No stomach symptoms. Ever after the usual 2 hours. 

SO, Off to whole foods I went last night in search of one of their wonderful mousse desserts I had been holding back on for so long! But alas, they only had a milk, white and dark mix, with hardly any dark. Not worth it! I was very dissapointed. Now I have learned my lesson.  One must search for the dark chocolate mousse ahead of time! So I have called and sussed out Foley's and Aurora for more of this precious stuff and will be repeating this experiment again on Friday if all goes well. Ain't therapy wonderful? =) 

I find the best bakeries when visiting mental health professionals. It happened in college too. Too funny!

Would You Like Some Guidance with that Gelato?

Would You Like Some Guidance with that Gelato?  

I was at my favorite gelato (ice cream) shop, hanging out on a sunny winter day. A woman is at the counter, paying for her gelato. I'm hanging back, getting ready to leave. The cashier is telling her about the weather discount, which fluctuates according to the temperature in the winter, and is 7% at the moment. She seems excited, so I casually mention "Oh, it was 11% when I came in." She turns and looks at me and says "I was your guidance counselor in junior high."
 
So, obviously this was unexpected, but interesting. I think for a minute, trying hard to pull any memories of "junior high school guidance counselor" out of my brain. Her name comes to my mind, and I repeat it. I am right. She seems flattered I remember her name. A long ago experience comes to mind, and I feel compelled to share it with her. It is about a time when I tried to talk to her about all the bullying that I went through that particular year in junior high. But I chickened out and end up talking about my parents' divorce instead, which totally *didn't* bother me but I knew she'd buy that it did. I couldn't find the words to talk about the other thing. For a *very long* time afterwards. Until my stepmom came along, really. =)

For years afterwards it bothered me that I wasn't able to talk about it or seek help when I needed to. Fortunately, thank goodness, I am more than able to talk about my problems, get support and find help now (as is more than evident from my social media posts), and I am thankful for that.

I told her this story in abbreviated form, and she said "Ah. Yes, there was another girl who was being bullied too." Forget the OBVIOUS, OBVIOUS problem with the singular use of that word - one other girl in the whole junior high, yeah right! Forget that, it felt somewhat like a finished chapter in my life. It's not like I've even thought of this incident or chapter of my life in a long time, (although I used to constantly), but I always used to feel like there was something missing because I hadn't been able to address the issues I had then in the way I wanted to.

Literally fifteen years later - fifteen years later!! - in a gelato shop in Portland, Maine on a random winter afternoon, she walks in and I am absolved in the most unexpected way, unburdened of a burden I had almost forgotten I was carrying.

This whole encounter took about five minutes.

And you know what the thing is? I don't remember if it was in high school or immediately after when I was home from college, but I used to go back to the junior high, years ago. I think it was probably sometime mid-high school. I would talk to some of my old teachers. I would try to make some peace with my past there.

It never worked. It never touched the pain. It felt pretty foolish, actually. Can't force healing, I guess.

But 15 years later.... You have to be in a different place in your life, with more perspective and more life experiences, to be able to look at the experiences of your past with empathy and forgiveness for yourself. And although I had already mostly done that for myself, mostly, I didn't mind this little bit of reinforcement. I didn't mind at all getting to finally say 15 years later what I had so much been dying to say when I was 13. I really didn't mind saying it with confidence and grace, not feeling the trauma of the past as I did for so many years, but instead the pride of the present, the pride of who I am now and what I did to overcome it. It actually felt empowering. I suppose it was a reminder of how far I'd come.        
             
Self-forgiveness and self-empowerment, with a cherry on top.

Cloaked in Authenticity

Note - I just found this post from two years ago on a Wordpress acount I made but never used more than once. I originally titled it "The Girl in the Prom Dress" but I like this title better. Two years ago.... This was a prescient post. I like it. I don't think it's on this blog so I am posting it here.

****

I was flipping idly through some pictures that had been posted to my Facebook account. I stopped short when I saw my prom picture. What a different world, I thought. Never again will you ever see me in a dress. Much less a sleeveless one, with long hair, a necklace an even, of all things, a handbag. Although I have to admit, the dark blue color sure did look good on me.
My friends all wore long, flowing dresses, but I stood barefoot in a simple, short, dark blue dress loaned to me by a friend only a few hours before, when I had made a last minute decision to go to the prom. Dances are not my thing, but despite my objections I decided to give it a try. My hair was long, blonde and curly, one of the few times I have had hair longer than an inch in the last ten years.

Then I flipped to a picture I had just added recently of me on a hiking trip with some friends. The picture was far from glamorous. I had on a grungy grey sweatshirt, white cotton pants and very short to almost non-existent hair. This, or some variation, is my usual outfit. The picture was less than flattering, but I didn’t care, because after all, it was me. My smile was joyous, and to me that meant everything. I had captured the joy of the day with that picture.

Many times, over the years, I have been told by well-meaning people that I should change my appearance. People would like you better, they say. You’d get along better in the world, they say. People judge by first appearances, they say. Why don’t you grow your hair out? Why don’t you wear nicer clothes? Is that really the nicest clothes you have?

What they, or at least the world at large, often don’t understand is that I don’t have the luxury of looking nice. Severe sensory issues prevent me from wearing almost any piece of clothing known to man. I need soft, loose, cotton clothing to be comfortable. And even in that category, well, very few things work. I have spent several hours in large clothing stores before and came out with nothing. My dad once took me to Bloomingdale’s on a New York City trip, and all I came out with was a Tamagotchi t-shirt. And that was good for me! Everything is too tight, the textures are uncomfortable, the seams are sewn in the wrong place, it sits on my body wrong, it’s got buttons, and so on and so forth. And that was before I developed chemical sensitivity issues, which complicates the issue even more.

Because of this, a good clothes day for me is when I can actually wear them. Anything, that is. I’ll take anything that doesn’t make me want to start screaming when I put it on.
As for my hair, I can’t stand the feeling of hair on my head. It just feels heavy, and when it gets too long, it is literally the only thing I can think of until I get it cut.

I’m a firm believer that people should be functional in their clothing. I don’t understand why people torture themselves to wear high heels that make their feet hurt all night, or squeeze themselves into an outfit that makes them feel like they can’t breathe just because they think it looks good. As far as I’m concerned, if I’m not comfortable in something, I’m going to be grouchy and irritable all day or night because of it. This will
affect my interactions with others, and give them a bad impression of me. It will affect my experience of them negatively as well. The effects of these uncomfortable, intolerable clothes will send my stress levels through the roof, and make my coping abilities nil. Now, why would I choose to have clothes or hair that looked good over being able to function in the world and having a smile on my face when I interact with others?

When I looked at the prom picture of me, with my curly blonde hair and my perfect dress, for a moment I felt a stab of envy. This is the kind of girl I could be. I could look like other people my age if I wanted to. It’s possible. I could look, well, more “normal.” But then I remind myself how foolish this is. What did I really want when I looked at that picture? I wanted what went along with my perceived notions of what that girl’s life would be like. I wanted the life of a typical 20-something. I wanted people to like me; I wanted lots of friends; I wanted a life of social ease and happiness. It’s an illusion, of course. Because that isn’t me. And you don’t get friends, social ease and happiness by being something you’re not. My warm smile, my enthusiasm, my care and concern for others? Those will, in time, get me friends who mean something to me, and they’ll do it whether or not I’m wearing a Tiffany dress or a Marshall’s grey sweatshirt. Mascara, tight clothes and expensive haircuts do not a make a person into who they are. Integrity, kindness and being true to oneself do. So when I look at that prom dress now, I am glad to have it as a memory of a time when I tried something new and succeeded. But I am even happier that the real me was still waiting for me, unchanged, when I got home that night.

A Hanukkah Miracle?

Congregation Bet Ha'am, South Portland, Maine

                         

It's not often I come home from an outing with a Hanukkah song stuck in my head in the month of December (or any month, for that matter).

Jingle Bells? Sure. Walking in a Winter Wonderland? Of course. But "Light One Candle," by Peter, Paul and Mary? Never.

And I must say, it was an intensely pleasurable experience. Or would have been if I remembered more of the words.

How did this happen, you ask? I went to a Hanukkah party at the synagogue in South Portland.
There was a service, and social time with crafts and games afterwards.

I have only been to a synagogue a few times in my life, and I can't actually remember any of them.
The list of buildings I do go into is very small, and I was going alone.
Yet, I still decided to go.

My goal is to increase social connections, so any experience that sounds feasible and somewhat interesting I've been trying to do. Fortunately, this place has concrete floors (amazingly) which work well for my chemical sensitivities. That was the main reason I felt comfortable going. I wanted to celebrate Hanukkah, which I hadn't done properly in several years, and I wanted to meet new people. I knew it was on the bus line and I even knew where - only 2 miles down Main St on the corner of the next street, a short ride. The bus times matched up.

And, of course, there was the promise of cookie decorating. The other day I had wanted to decorate SOMETHING, but all I had was food coloring and marshmellows. Apparently, food coloring isn't really the ideal medium for marshmellow decorating, but I tried.

                          My attempt at a marshmellow menorah with food coloring designs

So, since I felt I needed more stimulation in life than playing with food coloring, I decided to go. So I could play with frosting instead. No, just kidding. Although I must admit it did factor into my decision. =)

They had a greeter at the door, who led me to a library area. There were 2 people my age there who were quite friendly. We talked for a few minutes, and then they led me to the sanctuary area for services, as they were leaving and wanted to find someone for me to sit with. Mission accomplished, I was talking with this woman, having no idea what to expect from a service, when I heard and saw the rabbi singing. With a guitar. My mouth dropped open. "He's SINGING!" I said. It is entirely possible that my idea of modern religious services needs updating, but I had no idea that singing was part of it. It was beautiful.

After lighting the menorahs, he continued with the Peter, Paul and Mary song "Light One Candle." I love this song and listen to it almost every day of Hanukkah. I was shocked and ecstatic, actually, because I had been dying to hear this sung live. I sung loudly and enthusiastically. The woman in front of me said "I was wondering how you knew all the words!"

I was silent for most of the remaining service as it was all unfamiliar to me, but kind of nice to hear. The sound of the language was familiar, anyway, even if the words were not.

I met a woman in the social hall in the ensuing social portion of the night who was from the town bordering my hometown and had kids in my former school district. We hit it off with a discussion about that, and she ended up giving me a ride home.

So, all in all, I  think it was a success.

That's after I had gone to the City Hall menorah lighting the previous Saturday (new building for me), an impromptu doctor's visit (something I would never have considered doing in a million years before) that Tuesday, attended a meet-up with a recently made friend and 2 new people on Wednesday.... and spent the evening scoping out (ie *going into buildings that I would not usually set foot in*) possible restaraunts/cafes/coffee shops for possible meetup locations in Portland on Thursday. And oh yeah add the going to a synagogue for the first time I can remember on Friday.

Who is this person? I barely recognize her. But I like her. I hope she can stay and play...

I was pretty beat after going out 5 out of 7 days.... Yes 5 out of 7 days.... which really must be some sort of record for me... but strangely, after one day of rest, I was actually ready to go out again today. I didn't, because the weather is crappy and it got too late, but I could have. (Hey, the light burned for 8 nights for the  Maccabees, I think 4 consecutive nights for me is pretty damn good.)

So I'll just wait for my gelato meet-up with what will hopefully be 4 new people plus my friend M on Tuesday... and maybe the senior luncheon at the synagogue on Wed if they let me go.

Yeah... I hope this lasts. =)

Autism and the Sandy Hook/CT Shootings

In the wake of this terrible tragedy, there are no words that are adequate to express how horrible it all is. So instead I am going to point you to Paula C. Durbin-Westby's excellent post on the subject. 
Paula C. Durbin-Westby is an autistic adult who has offered some views as an autistic (Asperger syndrome), as a parent and as an autistic parent on the shooting in Connecticut in Mother with Asperger Syndrome Grieves Sandy Hook Elementary Victims .

She says:

Today, December 14, 2012, I got a text about four minutes before I walked into my son’s school to play the piano for a winter program. The text said that 18 (then up to 20) children had been killed at an elementary school, not unlike my son’s. Children the age of the children I would be making music with in a few minutes. I was in shock. The texts I was receiving came from my dear brother, who has small children of his own. Since I was not online or near any media sources, he wrote to me what I was seeing on breaking news, and we texted together, as parents, about how horrible, how unthinkable, this heinous act was. His children were with him; mine was in school, and I had to resist an overwhelming impulse to sign him out and leave.

Please read the whole post at
http://paulacdurbinwestbyautisticblog.blogspot.com/2012/12/mother-with-asperger-syndrome-grieves.html

Use Your Words

"Use your words" is a statement often used with small kids who are pushing and shoving or otherwise behaving in what is considered an unreasonable manner. It is a reminder to use language rather than behavior. Behavior clearly is communication, but not always the most useful form of it.

This post, however, is about a different form of using your words. It is about using words to define yourself. It is about the words others use to define you - or don't.

Words are powerful. Words have the ability to shape lives. Your whole idea of how the world works, your whole idea of who you are, and your role in the world. All defined by words - or feelings that originated in words.

What do you remember about the way you were described as a child? What is your first memory of yourself? I was described as smart - although I always knew there was something wrong or different about me. There were no words for that, though. Asperger's was not a diagnosis I would get for another dozen years or so. I was told that my intelligence would come in handy when I was older. I have one memory of a summer camp of some sort. Sitting on a gym mat. A teenage counselor telling me I seemed much older than the other campers, more mature. All good things, she assured me.

But how? How could these be good things? I was 10 ( and 8, and 12, and 14, and you get the idea...) I wanted to know why I wasn't like the other kids my age. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be able to talk to them. I wanted to be, just once, not so "separate." And I would have traded all the smartness in the world for it.

Sometimes I was "sweet." Sweet is such a non-specific word. I grew to hate it. Wasn't there anything else good about me? So far I knew that I was smart and I was sweet. Not exactly the recipe for success in my book.

This was countered by far, far too many messages from my peers about being different, awkward, weird, and "other." Messages about being socially incompetent, even about being selfish or deeply flawed in some way. These messages were not usually specific, but they were coming from everywhere, every corner of my existence, so they must be true. They didn't hold a candle to "smart" or "sweet."

People believe that they are who they are unless given good reason to believe otherwise. I think there is a lack of positive reinforcement in our culture. Good traits are rarely highlighted. People rarely have the opportunity to change their mind about themselves for the better, unless they meet someone willing to show them, and to be persistent about it.

***

I finally had the opportunity, recently, at 28, to begin to have cause to redefine my 20 year old perception of myself. I joined a meetup group where the members seem welcoming and to genuinely like me. Yes, this comes as a surprise. I imagine it will for quite some time. But it's a start.

I met a longtime blogging friend in real life, who after the meeting devoted a whole blog to the meeting. Make sure you go look at Jess's blog at Diary of a Mom. https://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/kate/

Her blog nearly brought me to tears. She used her words. Thank you, Jess, for using your words.

"The concrete things that I knew about Kate are that she has Asperger’s, and also that she has some pretty serious sensitivities to fragrances and chemicals that can make life particularly challenging.

So that’s what I knew.

But please believe me when I tell you this — those are NOT the things that you notice when you meet Kate. Instead, what you see — what you can’t possibly miss — is her energy.

She laughs easily and she laughs a lot. And her laugh is infectious. It’s physical and it’s big and it’s all-encompassing. It draws you in and it wraps you up and it takes you along on its journey to a whole other place — a better, brighter, lighter place.

And even though it’s different from the one that I know so well and love so much — its effect on everyone around her is eerily familiar.

Brooke’s belly laugh – so different from her sister’s, so very much her own. The laugh that starts with her shoulders and takes her whole body along for the ride. The laugh that sets her eyes on fire and whose sheer energy could launch a rocket ship and send it into orbit. The contagious laugh that leaves an electric happiness in its wake."

The silent, unanswered questions about what I could possibly have to offer someone - the perception of  myself as a burden - began to be erased, as if with a Magic Marker, with Jess's words. Oh, sweet words, a gift to me to begin to redefine myself.

A friend tells me I bring out the kid in him, and makes him feel care free. A recently met friend tells me that I would make a good therapist because my experiences bring about a sense of empathy and openness to other's experiences that she finds very attractive.

Words, words. All they are are words, but they have the power to change a life. Mine. Yours. Everyone's. We need to be honest with each other, not just about what our friends and loved ones have to work on, but what we love about them, and why. We need to use our words. We need to be a community.

You are at a point where trust in life and your spirit, higher self or soul is paramount or even trust in the goodness of the universe.  You are at a place in your life where you are pregnant with potential which is filled with your greatest wishes and your greatest fears, it is up to you which ones you will give power to.

The above is a quote from a recent meetup I attended. I can't think of anything more accurate for where I am in my life than those words. Which will I  choose? Will I have the strength and resources I need to choose my dreams over my fears?

I've spent my life living, it feels, as one-woman island, perhaps due to my Asperger's. Or perhaps due to the confluence of many different forces, no one's "fault" but present nonetheless.

So my single, number one goal now is to find community and build social connections. Because only with that can I find the strength, courage and resilience to choose my dreams over my fears. I can't be an island anymore. I'm not saying this as it's a done deal. I don't know how it will go. But I've made a good start. And I know that words, different words, a different community, a different environment and different experiences will hopefully produce a different person. Or at least the same person who thinks quite differently about herself - and therefore will become a different, and better, person.

You spend the first thirty or so years of your life learning about yourself and the world around you.
Then, depending on your life experiences, you can spend the rest of your life trying to un-learn these things.

Ironic, yes?

Thanksgiving and a Compendium of Past Experiences

Hmm, I haven't written in this blog in two months so I suppose it's time for a little something.

Maybe I can just paste some of my Facebook updates into here.... I really don't feel like re-inventing the wheel.

I went to my grandparents' in Springfield, MA for four days for Thanksgiving. I don't usually travel much, so it was a stretch for me, but one that proved fruitful. My friend Rob drove to Boston to spend the holiday with his friends, and my mom drove to Boston to meet me since it was relatively speaking not that far. Compared with Maine, anyway. I spent Thurs and Fri with Sat and then Sat and Sun with Rob, exploring Northhampton and meeting some friends in Boston. Got home late Sun night.

I went through my Facebook posts to mid-October and pulled out anything that looked like it told a story. What do you know.... It looks like I actually have a life. A bizarre and non standard life to be sure but a life. I may have to rethink my opinion of myself, lol. And work on building my life so that it includes more and more of what I want it to - I hope.

I write most often on Facebook so here is a long compendium of comments on the last 6 weeks.... Call it blog catch-up.

Mon, Nov 26

Well, I'm back, what a trip! Still trying to orient myself to being back and trying to take it slowly. 

Going to look at my pictures next. they should be great! We had great weather... Thurs, Thanksgiving, I got to see some cousins I almost never get to see, the little one as cute as could be... as well as all my other family which was great.... 5 lb whoopie pie was a great gag even if no one ate it... except for certain visiting relatives the next day =) The gelato from the Gelato Fiasco that I took from here went over VERY well, *everyone* loved it. The strawberry and the dark choco. Too bad there isnt one in any area near there. (Closest an hour away in CT).

Adam, Alison, Doug, Nikki, her boyfriend, Kyla, Sierra, Jake, Mom, Ned and the grandparents were all there. 

Fri, got to go to Barnes and Nobles for 90 min which was awesome. No B&N here but there's one 5 min from my grandma's in Enfield, CT that is quite good. 

Hung out more with family. Read book ("Carly's Voice," very good). More family came. My dad and stepmom came to see brother. Etc.
Sat, Rob came and we spent the evening in Northhampton. Very cool. Went to FACES ,candy store, Haymarket cafe.

Sun, we spent half the day battling traffic (can you say STURBRIDGE?) but got to meet my blogger friend Jess of A  Diary of a Mom 

and her family on the way back, which was very wonderful. And then my online friend Nichole, who I had wanted to meet for a long time and who was gracious enough to bring me the vegan chocolates from Brookline I had been craving.

Got back around midnight last night. It was very good trip overall. But it's very good to be home. Springfield radio stations suck =) And our whole foods is better than their whole foods, lol. Just kidding, there are more important things in life than.... oh wait, who am I kidding?

Nov 21

bedtime..... today was mostly good, started slow, but I saw my former high school guidance counselor who I meet a few times a year as friends and that was very nice, even if we only had half an hour. saw Nate for half an hour. Did my grocery shopping. And had a wonderful conversation with a woman from my meetup group that lasted 2 hrs but felt like 10 minutes, that made me happy that we were able to connect. I wanted more. =) Patience. 

Nov 19

Just watched latest episode of Once Upon a Time, which is a week old. Omg, I am beginning to really love this show. It's completely made-up and fantastical, if that's a word, but it manages to still be extremely interesting and even, surprisingly, inspirational. How a show of this nature could ever be inspirational eluded me at first, but I guess it has something to do with the parable nature of fairy tales... Or something? Ha I dunno I may be reading too much into it, BUT, 

There was a woman who turned into a wolf every full moon, would black out, kill people, not remember it. She had a cloak that she used to keep from turning into a wolf. But then someone taught her that if she accepted the wolf part of herself and didn't try to suppress it, she'd remember/be aware of what was happening and therefore be able to control it. And not kill people. And it worked. Sure, she had to kill her mother after learning this little nugget, but that's a whole other story. =) 
The applications to real life, mother killing aside (mother was about to kill her best friend), are rather staggering. Simplistic yet profound.

Nov 18

Nice day out with first meeting Carol from my meetup group for some very enjoyable conversation, then Rob and Reid for some more conversation and some games, modified Malarkey in particular. Somehow I managed to spend 6 hours today in whole foods. 2 with Carol, 4 with R/R... *shakes head* wow, time flies when you're having fun, lol. good thing i got some exercise before, walking to bus and WF - it was a beautiful day. 
Bedtime is imminent........ Not quite yet, but imminent.

Nov 17

On a more positive note, what did I do today.....Unexpectedly spent most of the day with Rob, which was good. We went over to Falmouth, walked a little bit down Route 1 for exercise, and went to the toy store I've been meaning to take Rob to for ages... cus they have some games I thought he'd like. We spent a while in there....I got a few little things, he got a few things he liked. Went to Radio Shack, trying to replace my headphones that are 99% broken (I can sometimes get them to work with lots of manual manipulation of the cords, for at least a few minutes at a time...haha not much) - Only to find that the kind of headphones I've been buying from Radio Shack for 15 years - ever since I started listening to music on a Walkman - they no longer make. I tried on almost every other kind they had in the store but none I could tolerate - my head is very sensitive to pressure. Lovely. Will look online or they suggested dollar store. 

Apparently, the kind I like - the cheap ones with foam that are very lightweight and balance very loosely on your head, over the head style - "no one buys anymore," in favor of cushioned ones in weird shapes that put way too much pressure on my head.

So if anyone has a pair that like I mentioned that they would like to trade for a new pair of their choice please let me know!

Nov 16

I'm thinking of gratefulness, of self-confidence and self-love. About schemas and how to gradually change the idea of you have of yourself, how others see you and what you're capable of to a more positive level. Of how you spend the first say 25-30 years of your life learning lessons about yourself and the world, and then you often have to spend the rest of your life unlearning them. 

I said this in response to something we were talking about in the group the other night, okay last night, and for once the facilitator didn't respond with some platitude that made no sense when coupled with reality. She said, "I don't know, but there must be a reason!" In a sense ,she agreed with me. 

It's probably not possible to design a system where people could skip from the entirely awkward and often painful stages of childhood, adolescence and young adulthood to the relative wisdom, perspective and experience of just plain "adulthood," but if there was, I'd be all for it! It seems like to some degree life only starts making some amount of sense after you've spent three decades trying to make sense of it. And I do mean *starting*, as it's really only just begun. But I hope it continues.

Nov 15

Had the most interesting night. Had another Meetup of the spiritual self help type group , she provided much more room for discussion tonight so that was good. People were great again and the fact that I knew 2 of them and one of them relatively well made me a lot more comfortable. There were about 10-11 people again but 4 new ones, 1 guy, 3 women, all young. The older woman (or one of them) I liked was there again which was good as I had missed her name on the RSVP list. Met with G*** beforehand, an older guy who I liked last time but hadn't met yet. Was okay, didn't really connect as much as I had thought we would. Might be partly because he said he didn't feel comfortable having an intimate discussion in whole foods, which has never bothered me, so it was rather one sided. I respect but that but yea whatever. What I did get out of him was a little too out there for me. But he's a very nice guy, and I was able to do my grocery shopping beforehand which was good.

Amusing ancedote of the night. I managed something I did not know was possible. Well, it wasn't just me. But. We somehow got lost going from Whole Foods to Falmouth. We got lost going from WF TO FALMOUTH! I've only done that trip about oh 1-2x a week for almost the entire time I lived in Falmouth for 3 yrs? I am really directionally illiterate, lol. I would have been really embarassed if I hadn't accepted that a long time ago. He forgot his phone which had a GPS on it and couldn't understand the directions. He was confused cus it kept telling us to go to Route 9. But that's in Cumberland. I think. It also told us to go to Bucknam. Falmouth. Ok, that makes sense. But... we got off the highway.... and we were nowhere near there. I have no idea where we were. West Falmouth maybe but how did we get there? Eventually he just got back on the turnpike and got off at the yarmouth exit.... we were half an hour late but luckily someone else was too and they held the meeting for us, so. 

Nov 14

Encounters of the Strange but Wonderful Kind 

Okay so yeah I don't really know where to begin but ..... I did a lot of things today. Like left at noon got back at 10pm lots of things. Only one of them was planned. Well, two if you want to get technical. Appt at 1 pm on St John St. Took 1215 bus because I couldnt get up early enuf to make 1135 one which I took cus I didnt think 1215 would connect. BUT, the Congress St (#1) bus stops at the TOP all really along Congress, which is obvious, but none of the other buses I actually take do so I forgot that I could get off the SP bus what amounts to 5-8 minutes early and be right at the #1 stop. That was VERY convenient. So I did make the connection despite the SP bus being 8 minutes late. And I even figured out what side of the street to go on with the help of some friendly street denizens. (Is that a word?)

Apparently no one knows what to call it but "the old train station building." Although the bus driver says it's called Union Station. The sign says it was called the Maine Railroad Building or some such thing. Never seen any one place have so many names! 

Either way, it was BEAUTIFUL. All old wooden floors , long narrow but pretty WOODEN hallways. Love, love, love. Reminded me of a similar building in Montana. Had appt. Was like neutral. More on that another time. 

After appt. Three hour conversation with an older woman who happened to be reading the bullentin board above where I was sitting. Three hours! I can't even begin to go into this woman's heartbreaks because my heart and head are still processing. But man it made me want to HELP PEOPLE because it is SO REWARDING. 

She needed someone to listen, so badly. She had so many people telling her she was crazy, not listening, not believing her. She lives in one of the worst apartment complexes in Portland (or so I believe). She has no or very little family, friends, support. 
She has severe ADD, went to some stupid clinic with a stupid beyond belief psychiatrist that I won't even get into. Spent her life feeling like she didnt fit in anywhere till she was diagnosed with ADD at age 51! 61 now. Psychiatrist she has now sounds just plain abusive. She's so sensitive to the world, even more so than me it seems, cant stand noise of traffic, or smells either, complained about chemicals before I even mentioned it. Complaining of dizziness, fogginess , memory loss lately, did I mention she just had new carpet put in her apt, it was put in when she moved in that is. Poor woman! She goes down to the laundry room or sits in the stairs just to get away from it. She was wandering around the train station building because it was quiet and made her feel calm. I felt for her. Can we say, my life story? Complimented me up and down about being smart and a good listener and all sorts, I was flattered, but wanted to help.

Called the community counseling center on her behalf, offered suggestions where I could, and made an appt with her doctor at Martins point for her (thank goodness she has one, at a reputable place too) because it was something she had just had too much anxiety about to be able to do herself. Sounds familiar. 

Person I saw came out to close the office down saw me sitting there still gave me a quizzical look lol. 

Left at 5, got the bus back to Mon Sq with no problem - it's the first bus in ages I can remember being on time. Went straight to gelato place, I needed energy. Friendly as they could be there. The girl I talked to last time was there. We had conversations about lox and the Broadway show CATS. I wasn't planning to stay for long but couldn't resist a good conversation with her. Probably stayed there 2 hrs. Went to WF cus I needed crackers and meat. The sweet air of independence , freedom , self sufficiency was with me. The walk to whole foods felt great. Wandered around there for an hour. Walked back up, air still felt great and I was as warm as could be , surprised to find out it was only 38. When it's not windy and you're bundled up and the temp's 30 or above winter can actually be quite nice. 
I got the 24A bus back - the one that stops near my house that I almost never get - and it was only like 2 min late. So thankful not to have to wait. I couldn't believe it, Id been out for 10 hours, 10 hours! , wandering around Portland, on my own, finding things to do. So tired I could barely stand up when i got home. obviously.

I need to find a way to help people, to hear their stories, to offer emotional support . it makes me feel complete. and tired. but mostly complete. hell the world isn't black and white, it can do both, right?

Nov 10

So yeah good day today. Weather was so nice, sunny, not windy I got up and immediately knew I had to go out. And I suspected that the GF might still have their dark chocolate banana I had been craving the last 2 days as their average is about three days usually with that. I checked and they had it. I called a few friends, the first 2 didn't want to go, the 3rd did. Golden! I would have gone anyway but much more fun with someone. It was delicious - so amazingly delicious - wish they would have it more. Rich dark chocolate....banana....chocolate...banana...chocolate....banana....chocolate...banana... what do you mean I ate it all??? =)

Woman at the counter I'd never seen before, so friendly, got into long conversation with. Played some games with Amber, saw Nate for a few min. Had annoying time getting bus home but it wasn't too cold luckily. Hung out with Ryan for a bit at the house, he helped me get some stuff I needed locally. So, good. 

Now I need to go to bed, leave at 145 tomorrow. Patience, must be patient. Night all!

Nov 10

File this under "Full Disclosure Would Be Nice"

Little coffee shop/bakery in Monument Sq has been there for years and had gelato before anywhere else in Portland did. It was terrible, but that was so many years ago I decided to walk in and give the place another try. After like 5 yrs. It advertised gluten/vegan goods, so. 

I wanted to know what ingredients they used besides the base, because there almost always are some. 
First attempt "Just water as a base"
Second attempt "Just water, sugar and fruit" she said. 
It took me 5 more and more specific questions before she finally admitted or got an answer from the guy who owns the place that yes they added carrageenanan into it too.
Gee, you couldnt have said that in the first place? 
When I ask what the ingredients are, I would like to know ALL of them. When I ask if you use any thickening agents I shouldn't have to ask twice and name the specific ones to get an answer. 
For a place advertising their gluten free and vegan items so prominently in the window - which is why I walked in - you'd think they'd be more careful with food sensitivities.

So then I walked over to the gelato fiasco and enjoyed their wonderful carrageenan free, ingredients completely disclosed, delicious dark chocolate banana sorbetto =) i thought i'd give it a try, but I never did like that guy.

Nov 9

I must admit, while I am thinking about it, that walking to whole foods yesterday from the bus was really nothing short of invigorating. I wore my nice warm gloves for the first time this year. The wind wasn't too bad. When you get into a nice walking rhythm you're much less apt to be cold. And I was in a good mood from the bus ride. So, the air felt crisp and clear and invigorating. Funny how frame of mind influences this. Before it had just felt cold and I had wanted to get out of it as quickly as possible. But as much as I'm not looking forward to the upcoming colder weather... when dressed appropriately, and mixed with certain positive experiences, that air can feel *good*. 

(Just taking a moment to be thankful and procrastinate at the same time, that is all, carry on.) =) 

*I reserve the right to complain for the 90% of time that invigorating becomes a little over the top, lol (whoever thought I'd be looking forward to winter even less than summer. I never thought that was possible.) 

*goes back to article writing*

Nov 9

What else did I do yesterday... it was a pretty good day overall. I had a therapy appt, which went better than usual. I had some nice conversation with the woman who works behind the desk at True North, which is right next door. I had a great bus ride with Barry and talked about the bus. And I had fun with Rob and Reid at WF, playing a game and talking. Also one of my meetup friends dropped by with her boyfriend for a bit and I managed somehow to integrate the conversation, more or less, between all. (Day after election day made it pretty easy to find conversation topics for once.) 

So that was good and I was happy. Then it was so cold and stormy tho... slept most of the night and day. But it was nice to have a good day.

Nov 6

M and I went to the Barnes and Noble in Augusta. There were games. LOTS, AND LOTS, AND LOTS OF GAMES! There were so games, I don't think I was entirely aware there were books there. =)    ( also went to whoopie pie store - Isamax - in Gardener as well) 

oct 19 2012
  
Yesterday, when I got off the bus, an older man next to me asked the driver if the bus went to the cruise ship. He said no, but I can let you off here and you can walk. Well, I knew he probably didn't know how to get there, and I had been just sitting there thinking how I never got to meet anyone interesting, so I immediately said "I'll walk you to the cruise ship if you don't know how to get there." He said he didn't, and accepted.

It was a sunny and warm day, a perfect day for a walk, and we ran into Ryan and Amber. They as expected did not bat an eye when I said we were walking a random guy to the cruise ship. lol

He was from Las Vegas, and I tried to play tour guide as much as possible, but while polite he wasn't very chatty. It was still fun showing him our beautiful city. Poor guy went all the way to Scarborough to Walmart to get a prescription. If he HAD to go to Walmart, Falmouth would have been much closer (at least the way the buses work). He thanked me sincerely when he got there (its about a 10-15 min walk but such a nice one) and the memory of this made me smile for the rest of the day. (And the cruise ship vendors were cool too.)

oct 15 2012

I went to whole foods afterwards, because I *could*, and because I didnt feel like going home yet... and because where you get off at the metro stop is at least a quarter of the way closer than Mon. Sq so it doesnt really feel like exercise lol... and I had a hankering for the Maples dark chocolate sorbetto. You see, as amazing as the Gelato Fiasco dark chocolate is, sometimes it's just too intense to have very much of. The Maples is like a watered down version of it, which most of the time I eschew, but lately have been liking. I can eat far more of it before it's too much, lol. I had an idea today, I had  a banana and I got a plate and a plastic knife. I cut the banana into little pieces and tried to mash it as much as possible. Then I put the chocolate sorbetto over and tried to combine them. The result was absolutely delicious... a dark chocolate banana concoction  that tasted like both dark chocolate and banana and had some real substance to it. My mood improved substantially after this culinary experience. Here is the beginning of my efforts at this experiment, which I shall definitely repeat.

Discovering Who You Are (Meetup Group)

Psychology/Spirituality Meetup - from Oct 24, 2012

Yeah I have to go to bed but I have to write this before I do. I have to get it down on the virtual equivalent of paper. Yesterday I had a very full but a very good day. Along with a somewhat strange but mostly okay and short meeting with Marion, I did something I have never done before. I took a real step. Out of my comfort zone. I was brave and followed my instinct. The instinct that told me that meet-up I was talking about last night was worth putting all my resources into figuring out how to get to.

And I did get to it. It was in North Yarmouth, about 9 min from where we ate with Madeline in Yarmouth. At someone's house. I had talked to a guy named G before and he offered me a ride as did the facilitator but Rob ended up taking me. I asked about MCS stuff beforehand. There were 11 people, 10 women and one wonderful and gentle guy. It looked to be a psychology/self help related discussion group. It turned out to be more around spirituality and metaphysics, subjects Im not interested in, but it didn't matter. The people were wonderful. All of them. All of them I met anyway, which was about half roughly. They were supportive and welcoming and just great people.

I kind figured, well, I didn't know what the structure was supposed to be. I might have asked, had I not been so busy trying to a) acclimate to the environment b) talk to the people near me and c) try to remember what it is that NT people would typically do in a situation like this (or what little I knew on the subject anyway). So after she had been talking for about 15-20 min with no end in sight and no breaks I did get a bit  worried.

So I found ways to contribute things that were a little more relevant to my area of experience, but still relevant to what she was talking about. Amygdala retraining, the psychology and science behind some of the principles she was talking about, personal experiences. The people around me reacted in such a positive way! They were so supportive. They were so encouraging. They were so interested!

To start with, when the topic of my chemical sensitivities came up at the beginning, I heard this chorus of "Oh, I know someone who has that" or "My brother or cousin or friend is like that" or "They have trouble with XYZ..." and I'm like just sitting there stunned. This is not the reaction I usually get. One person even said "You were reallt brave to come here!" and everyone else nodded in agreement and it felt wonderful. I had to ask one fragranced person if she would mind switching seats with someone else, everyone was just wonderful about it.

So fast forward to the middle. We're in this living room and the couch was actually pretty comfortable. But enough is enough and I'm getting bored. The one woman who is actually sharing her experiences is talking about being afraid of being stuck in a dead end job if she tries to go back to work and her uncertainty over that. The facilitator says something about being okay with nothingness, I forget the exact words. It piques my interest, since obviously that is a major challenge for me at the moment. I find a way to relate it, verbally, to the group , about my experiences, and share a little about my story and my challenges and successes with MCS (far easier since the topic had already come up!)

People are fascinated. People are encouraged. People want to hear more. It's a really good feeling.

I zone out for a while more, facilitator talking about things I don't much understand, and then the topic of social norms comes up. I use that as an opportunity to bring up autism. Because, you know, I'm getting kind of bored, and why not be honest? Not enough energy to transcribe exactly what went on. But the woman two seats over from me has a son with autism, it sparks a wonderful conversation, and people applaud my honesty.

Zone out some more, because honestly figuring out how to talk in a group takes a lot of effort and energy, and before I know it its 830, 2 hrs have passed and they're doing a meditation to end it with this cool singing crystal bowl thing.

Three people want to have coffee with me. THREE PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE COFFEE WITH ME! And I with them. One person said "I really enjoyed having you here, I sure hope you  come back next time." The woman who has the son with autism turns out to be the one who lives in South Portland (1-2 mi from me ) and gives me a ride home. We talk animatedly and continue talking when we reach my house. I won't even go into how weird it was to figure out belatedly that she was my age roughly and that I liked her. And that for the first time in my life it was possible to like people my age. Like that just occurred to me. I always said I , no offense to anyone reading this, but I always said , I didnt want to have anything to do with anyone under 30. Because just socially it never worked. But here I am nearing 30 and all of a sudden people in their early 30s are "my age." And all of a sudden they're mature enough, at least the very few I have met, to be interesting worthwhile people. And it's like woaahhhh.

I did okay MCS wise with all involved. I'm not saying it was perfect but I did okay. It was the first time I have ever attempted to do anything social with anyone who does not have autism (or some closely related diagnosis or neurology) ..... ever? Since college? Since college, I guess, and that never went well, most of the time.

I love my Aspie friends. But the idea that I could have friends outside of the autism world, that I could succeed on my own merits in other environments with people who liked me, is pretty damn mind blowing.

THREE PEOPLE WANTED TO HAVE COFFEE WITH ME.

And yes, I will be arranging those coffee dates as soon as I have a little recovery time.

I hardly know how to begin to process this, but I know it is wonderful. I also know I have to go to bed. I was far more functional than I expected today. Life!

Letter to Myself

My mind and body are fighting a battle to see who wins. My mind wants me to write. My body doesn't.

I want to write about doing the right thing even if it has consequences that you don't like, that scare you. And how about sometimes if you love someone enough you'll do that thing for them even if it scares you. And how I never had anyone like that before. And how I couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing but finally decided it was the RIGHT thing, and that life isn't simple, so it was both good and bad. And then I decided I had too much black and white thinking. That if I could learn to hold two ideas like that in my head at one time - that it was good AND bad, that just maybe it won't be good in the way I wanted it to but it's still good and it's still right and it's not a tragedy if it doesn't go just like I planned - well, that would be a good thing.

I want to write about how sometimes the (in this sense for me mostly health related) consequences of something can seem overwhelming but that when you think about what matters in your life, what REALLY matters, can't I make some room to do something for someone who really matters even if I suffer for a little bit after it?

It's a question I haven't entirely answered because I am supremely bad at physical suffering. But if I can change my perception of the physical suffering to something more positive and accepting, then I'm certain I would suffer less.

I can't make any promises as to how or when though!

I want to tell myself that Redefine Success is the most important tenet on my list of Things I've Learned from the last few years. If I redefine what I am expecting of myself and my life at any given moment or time, then I can be happy with it or at least at peace with it and accept it. Especially if I know accepting something less than perfect at the present moment might lead to better things in the near future. In short, if I practice something called faith - which I have never been able to do. I don't even mean the religious kind, I mean the I'm Not Going to Die or Lose All My Marbles Anytime Soon kind of faith.

Let me know where they sell it, will ya?

Maybe if you have a purpose in your life big enough, meaningful enough, you can find a way to have that kind of faith. But that's another thing they're not selling at the five and dime. It's hard to find it.

But I have something may qualify, and I'm not sure how much longer it's going to be around. So it only seems right that I learn from it and enjoy it while I can.

Moving to South Portland has presented an interesting kind of paradox. While I certainly love, well, everything about it, without Marion it cannot be denied that there is something missing. And in an attempt to fill that something missing, and also because I just really love Portland and South Portland and every area adjacent to it, I have filled my time in the month since I moved here with far more activities than I ever engaged in in the three years previous.

I enjoy those activities, there's no doubt about it. But it is simply too much. It takes a toll on me. It makes me feel stressed out and tired, to the point where I am just lacking a sense of calmness and stability that I very much need because I'm not giving my nervous system enough time to recover before going off and doing something else that looks so SHINY and NEW and MUST HAVE.... or again, something rather plain but new to me because it's ALL RIGHT HERE AND ACCESSIBLE TO ME. That is, accessible to me if I only had a little more energy and stamina to engage in all the necessary mental and physical energy it requires.

Not to mention that as much as I love the scenic and predictable walk to Mill Creek, it is much longer than I'm used to walking to the bus. Then when I get to Portland, mostly because of the beautiful fall weather, I tend to walk around there a lot, and then sometimes we go to whole foods which is another 12 or so minutes each way, and walk back from the bus stop in South Portland, and it all just kind of adds up, you know? It's not just physical energy, of course. It's mental energy - being out in the world requires all kinds of sensory processing. Interacting with others as much as I enjoy it requires emotional energy. Navigating the environment taxes my nervous system even when it's fun (and let's face it, most things are not going to be 100% fun), because I am sensitive to being overstimulated.

No way would I ever want to give up on doing things, but I think I've got to do less of them before I drive myself crazy. I need my nervous system and mind to feel calm and relaxed and stable more often than it is now. I realize just moved need time to figure out a groove and all but yeah. This is me figuring it out.

In Falmouth I only went out 2 days a week and the other days pretty much did nothing but watch TV with Marion. Here I've been going out pretty much every other day and packing a much bigger wallop into what I do. Not enough time to recover.

So, I will have to be patient while I recover from what I did do today, which was totally pushing the envelope for me. It's not so much that I  enjoy resting - My mind begs to be occupied at all times. But I need to. So I need to find more occupying ways of resting. Like TV.... Blah. Or something. Thank God I CAN actually read and watch TV, knock and wood, because I didn't  always used to be able to do and I can't imagine what life would be like without these two amazing things. They are like vacations unto themselves. Knock on wood.

I need to quiet the voices that say a certain doom will befall me if I have XYZ symptoms. Quiet my amygdala. Tell it, hasn't everything worked out pretty well the last few years? Haven't I always gotten what I *needed* when I really needed it - maybe not always what I wanted every time, maybe waiting longer sometimes for some things than I would have liked, but what I NEEDED when it got to a point where I really needed? Yes. So, note to self, please learn to tolerate distress. It will be more temporary and transient than you know.  "Don't let the past tell us who we are not today" or whatever that CSN line is. Don't let the past dictate the present. Were there times I suffered in the past? Yes, enormously. Were there times that it seemed like the suffering would never end, that there was no way out, no solution? Certainly, more of it than I would care to remember. But has any of that happened in the last three years? No, no and no.

You could call it luck. Or you could call it increased coping skills. The retraining of the brain. Better stress tolerance skills. Better reframing skills. Better at putting things in perspective, better at changing negative energy to positive, better at connecting with others, better at dealing with stress. If I believe that I've changed enough to have the kind of life, the kind of success but most of all the stability that I've always craved.... then maybe I wouldn't worry so much.

You can't spend every day wondering if today is the day the figurative hurricane is going to hit again.
You can ,but if so you're just wrecking your life.
Spend your time looking for the sun instead.

So many things happened to my body, to my my mind, and because of it I was forced to go on quite a journey, across the country and back several times.

But like a kiln, I gained strength and precious, precious perspective from these experiences.
Illness taught me a new way of living that, when I was finally in a stable enough situation to appreciate the lesson, changed the way I lived and experienced my life for the better.
I still think of about things I learned, experiences I had that taught me something or the other in a various city here and there on an almost daily basis. I don't think of the bad. It's my body that remembers the bad. My mind remembers the good. Mostly.

I can't say I don't fear another figurative hurricane (illness). But I can say that to fear it every day, in every situation, (or at least the most challenging ones, I have gotten much better with a lot of the more routine ones), is pure madness and no way to live life.

I went far, far out of my comfort zone for a person I loved tonight. It's not something I intend to repeat anytime soon as it was just too much to do more than once. But doing it once? It was the right thing to do, and if I can use it to try to teach myself not to fear that hurricane so much...... Well, then all the better.

One moment at a time, one day a time, and focus on what you can do in THAT moment, not about the stormy weather that you're certain is to come later. Because you might just find that it doesn't. Maybe the anticipation IS the stormy weather, and you're creating it for yourself.

It's a scary thing to not worry (as if we have a choice), to relinquish control, to accept what may be. And there is no doubt it would take an enormous amount of practice if I was even able to take the first steps toward it. But I just don't want to be creating that stormy weather for myself, each and every time. So I'll see what I can do. To be mindful, to focus on the moment. It may drive me crazy trying, but I'll see what I can do.

"I beg you to have patience with the questions in your heart....because one day, without even realizing it, you will have lived your way into an answer."