The times when I truly fall,
I astound myself with how fast I catch myself
The times I am truly in trouble,
the solutions seem to come almost easily
I seem to move with decisiveness, clarity, purposefulness
I know what to do, I know how to do it, get out of my way so I can do it
Don't believe I can? Just watch me and I'll do it.
Overwhelmed and free falling? Grab on to the radio and feel safe again.
Can't stay in your home state because there's no fragrance free living situations? Find someone you've never met online and move across the country to a state you've never been to, a town you've never heard of, because you know no life will be possible unless you are physically safe. And no matter what happens, you know you're doing the right thing, because you know you have to be away from fragrances to have any sanity. You don't question your decisions. It's stressful, it's survival mode, but you're confident. You curse the world in the bad times for your difficulty, and struggle with the newness of towns and cultures you've never seen, but you laugh and write blogs about what you enjoy and poke fun at the things you don't and you know you're on the right path.
But, oh the danger that comes in safety!
In a living situation free from people to fight with, free from most bothersome sensory stimuli, your body cannot relax. Your mind cannot relax. It cannot trust safety, not after seven years of running, seven years of trying to find it. It needs something to worry over, maybe, it needs to feel like IT IS PREPARED ALL THE TIME. After all, you never know what crisis looms around the corner, right? It hyper-reacts to the smallest of stimuli, because that is what it is there for. Your mind has one function, and one function only. To sound the alarm. To make you take action. To protect you.
(But what about human connection? Isn't there room for that somewhere? I have a heart and soul inside this physical body. It needs nourishing. It has been lost in the fight for physical safety.)
There is more to say, but due to energy constraints, I will just say that
this obsessiveness over smells and physical safety is without question getting in the way of me having a life. I hope to find a way to break through it eventually.
