Stronger

"I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger"

- "Stronger," Sara Evans

"If I had a song,
I'd sing it in the morning,
I'd sing it in the evening,
All over this land

I'd sing out danger,
I'd sing out a warning
I'd sing out love between my brothers and my sisters,
All over this land."

- "If I Had a Hammer," Peter, Paul and Mary

Once in a while, in this life, we are treated to gifts, wonderful gifts that restore our faith in our ability to live on this planet. Gifts that bolster us and tell us we're on the right path. No, I'm not talking about anything you can buy in a store. I'm talking about something ever so much more precious- the gift of human connection.

Human connection is tricky at best. Asperger's or not, humans are complicated beings. But I won't deny that Asperger's makes it much harder. That is why I treasure it when I stumble upon a connection with someone else that feels real, genuine and heartfelt. A connection that I don't feel I'm just faking my way through. A conversation where I'm not just struggling to come up with things to say, but instead have SO MANY things to say, as does the other person, that I can barely keep them all in my head - but it doesn't matter, because they keep changing and growing along with what the other person says, so that the conversation evolves in a wholly organic manner, as all good conversations should. A flowing, effortless conversation - something so rare for me that it might as well be put on the endangered species list.

Does this sound odd to non-Aspies? I'm not sure, because I'm not one of them. I wonder if these sorts of conversations are easier for them. I think they must be. It is of course hard to tell how much is truly easy for NTs and how much is just posturing!

But tonight, I had this rare species of a conversation with a friend on Skype. As the best conversations seem to be, it was spontaneous, arising out of the need for me to ask a question on a topic unrelated to the conversation we ended up having. This question ended up reminding me of another topic, which in turn reminded her of something, which reminded me of....And we kept going. And sooner rather than later got into some rather meaty, important topics of a significant emotional and psychological nature, which is my favorite kind of conversation.

I was talking about some unpleasant incidents from my past, but for once, I didn't do it with any signs of anxiety. I didn't do it with desperation in my voice. I didn't have "RESCUE ME!" written all over my face. Needless to say, that made for a better conversation. I can count on one hand, hell maybe one finger, the amount of times I have been able to talk about these topics in a laid back way, however. Just sitting back in my chair, pondering my life with a friend in similar circumstances. I love that version of laid back me. Can she come out and play more often?

My friend told me she thought I was on the right path. She said she thought I was doing everything right, and that I was being really smart and thoughtful about how I chose to do things. She reminded me of how far I had come. And for once, I believed her. I believed her when she said I was doing the right thing. I think we all know how hard it can be to accept positive feedback when we're used to negative.

So, you know what? At least for tonight, I think I'm okay.

Tomorrow, though, may be a different story. But then again, maybe not.

Happy Mother's Day

A few images from Mother's Day BBQ at my dad's

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Blueberry cream cheese

More at http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.546935525075.2048825.41400579&l=81426d3929

Living your way into an answer (the case of the cell phone)

A few months ago, my cell phone broke. It had lasted me about 5 years, so I was sad to see it go. I had known this was coming for a while, though, and luckily had prepared myself. I tried to get a new phone, but due to my chemical sensitivities, that didn't work. I thought about getting a used phone off Ebay, but didn't want to pay money for something I wasn't sure, again, would work with my MCS/chemical sensitivities. My grandfather offered me his used phone, but I wasn't sure I wanted to switch to Verizon, having been on AT&T for so long. In the meantime, I used Skype to make outgoing calls and recieve incoming calls, because for only $7 a month, well, why wouldn't you?

At first I was a little overwhelmed in trying to figure out my options. I kept going back and forth through the merits of each - try another new phone and hope it outgasses quicker? Just buy a used one, like I did 5 years before? Or use my grandfather's, but would I lose anything by switching phone companies?

Since I didn't have to make a decision right away, though, I didn't. I used Skype and thought about it on occassion, never really arriving at a decision. Also, I was waiting for the first new phone I got to be returned to ATT, which took a few weeks.

One night several weeks later, I was checking my email and other sites, and found that my phone had finally been returned. This spurred a whole new round of speculation. I realized, though, with a flash of inspiration, that Skype worked so well for me (hands free phone, gotta love it) that I didn't even want to sign a 2 year contract with ATT to get a fancy new phone whose features I didn't really need and which I didn't want to wait to outgas. I wasn't going to pay for a used phone that may or may not work. In fact, I didn't even WANT to use a cell phone anymore, except for emergency use. So, then, it made sense just to use my grandfather's phone and get a very small plan on Verizon (they have no contract pay as you go plans) and use it for emergencies.

Now, this may seem an obvious course of action and perhaps even somewhat boring, but it is significant for one reason. It is the only time in my memory that I have ever been able to just "let something go" and let it get solved in due time. I am usually very bad with uncertainty of any kind and want to have a solution to any problem the moment it comes up.


"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." — R.M. Rilke

I have always loved this quote, but never been able to quite follow it.

With the case of my phone, I did though - and I did live my way into an answer.

I realize from this that there is some value in the "wait and see" approach, and hope that I can use this approach more in the future to better deal with uncertainty, at least to some degree.

Sometimes the smallest things in life can yield the most interesting insights, and you have to hold on to every one with all you've got.

Week with my friend

Bo and Betty, friends forever (Awwwww)


So, this past week, from Tuesday to Friday, I was at my dad's with my friend E. I was nervous about doing something that would break my schedule/routine so much, as I am usually rather attached to my routine, but I wanted to spend time with E. At first I tried to plan what we would do, but it soon became clear that we were both too tired to do much of anything, so we sat on the couch and talked a lot. And that turned out to be the best thing we could possibly do, because it is there in those conversations that you didn't expect to have, that you didn't plan on, that the best and truest moments of connection happen. Those few minutes when I can let my guard down and just talk to someone without analyzing what I'm saying, without thinking of what I'm going to do next and a hundred other things at once....well, they're a lot more meaningful.

So we sat and talked a lot, and for once, I was okay with "just hanging out." That's an interesting principle, because it took me a LONG time to get to this point. I still would only do it with people I knew very well, of course, but... the first few times I went to my dad's after moving here for more than a few hours I was almost terrified because I simply didn't know what I would be doing with my time, and I am a person who needs every minute planned and occupied, even if it's only with TV, lest my brain become overactive and take me hostage lol.

But as I started enjoying being around my parents more, and especially as I finally gained the ability to watch TV, something so many take for granted, I became much more relaxed about it, knowing that there would be at least SOMETHING to do to fill the time.

But for whatever reason, probably the good and relaxing influence of E, I felt more flexible and go with the flow-ish than I ever had this time, and that was a very nice feeling. The first day I was a bit nervous about all the time to fill but the subsequent days I was fine.

I took a nice but icy walk one day...half of it was great, the other not so much lol. Took some cute animal pictures, watched a lot of Third Rock from the Sun, had a lot of heart to heart conversations with E, Skyped with friends online who I introduced to to E and to my dad, made a steak dinner for E and I one night which was fun, mostly because it was actually edible!, and enjoyed the feeling of actually being able to, at least in part, take care of someone else, while at the same time they took care of me. A very nice mutal relationship, of which I have not often experienced. She knew my needs without having to ask and helped me out with things I needed without me asking, and I knew her needs (or at least most of them), and helped her out with them as well - I love that - what more could you ask from a relationship with another person (friendship). It felt so good not to have to feel guilty about asking for help in some areas, or even to have to ask at all - wow! And it felt good so good to be able to help another person. If only all relationships with other people could be like this, right?

I helped my dad out with the trivia he was playing and got to spend some time with him, which was good. It was good to see him and my stepmom without being too rushed, which I usually am when I go over there.

All that considered, it also felt very good when I got back on Friday; there are few things I like more than the peace and feeling of stability that my routine here gives me. Marion was very happy to see me, and Dennis helped me set up the DVD player (all the way from Florida), so Marion and I watched Marley and Me together. I for once had a feeling of looking forward to things, a brief and fleeting feeling but a feeling nonetheless.

So I'm still a little bit disconbobulated, getting used to being back, but I think overall it went quite well. I do feel bad for E who is dealing with quite a lot of health problems, related to MCS, Lyme, and EMF sensitivity, but I hope that despite these difficulties I gave her some moments of comfort and enjoyment this week.

And now, the beat goes on.

I heart you. Even if sometimes I have a beef with you.

Birthday Week

At 3pm today, my friends and I attempted to meet for my planned birthday celebration. The weather, however, didn't want to cooperate, having dumped a foot of fresh snow on the hiking trail we planned to go on yesterday. Not only that, but we were met with a fierce wind off the ocean as soon as we stepped out of the car. Having had my share of dealing with fierce winds on Thursday, I was not amused. We nixed the trail but did end walking around the Mackworth campus, which was far bigger and more interesting than I had realized. After about a 20 minute circuit, we were back at the car, and elected to go straight to Whole Foods, realizing that anywhere else in Portland would just be ten times as cold and windy.



I opened a gift that an online friend had sent me, which turned out to be maple candy. We played trivia and 20 Questions with famous people, with Rob getting all the math questions and Nate getting all the TV and movie questions. Besides eating them, we also did an experiment with the maple candies to see how long it would take one to dissolve one in water. It was not as quick as I thought...took about half an hour to be three quarters dissolved.


Some small balloons, which my stepmom had found and blown up during my birthday dinner with her and my dad last week, provided some more entertainment in the form of fun with static electricity - sticking them on each other and taking pictures. :) (My stepmom said that they would not last a week but apparently the laws of physics, or birthdays, defied her.)


Since we had an excess of maple candies after everyone had had their fill, I decided to try to give them out to the Whole Foods employees. Two of them seemed genuinely excited to have them, which made me happy; one agreed to try them; and the rest declined. I did feel slightly embarassed asking, but I am a firm proponent of the "random acts of kindness" theory and like to try to make people's days better when I can, which is not as often as I would like.

It was a very nice birthday, or belated birthday, as I felt very appreciated. This is the best part of having a birthday if done right! :) Rob paid for my dinner, Nate got me some Jodi Picoult books I wanted at Borders (yay!), Janine got me a gluten and dairy free brownie, and Amber gave me a lovely and very cute framed photo that she had done. She makes animals and different things out of vegetables and does it well. In this portrait, a dog is catching a frisbee, only the frisbee is a rice cracker! Ha! She knows me too well :)

****

On Thursday, I went into town on the bus because I needed something for dinner, seeing as the Irish have taken all the brisket (for St Pattys day). This was my third time on the bus. It was sunny and warm on the walk to the bus stop; I had everything unzipped. The walk was quite pleasant. The bus was 15 minutes late, which seems to be the average. Tolerable in nice weather but not in bad weather, I am sure.

I was the only person on, but we picked up a few people at Shaw's and Walmart. A guy about my age with Tourette's came on about halfway through. Never having met someone with
Tourette's, I found this very interesting, and after thinking about it, I decided to start a conversation with him. I felt bad for him, thinking how often he must be treated badly and stared at, and wanted him to have a positive interaction with the public. I also just wanted to talk to him. He was very friendly, and had a nice smile. We talked about the weather and the library a bit.

The bus went okay, I did better than usual on it, knock on wood.

In Portland, it was freezing, as the wind was coming off the ocean and creating Artic conditions. So much for a nice day. I asked Ryan if he would cut my hair as I was a bit desperate, and he said yes. We found a bench by Tommy's Park in the Old Port and I told him to go at it, lol. We all think he did quite a good job, especially considering the circumstances, and since he had never cut hair before!

Fun with balloons and my lovely haircut!

On Facebook, I got 87 happy birthday wishes. 87! I did not know I knew 87 people that would take the time to wish me HB. :)

Last weekend, my parents invited me over for a birthday dinner, and we had tenderloin steak. My relatives Steve and Gail were there also, which was nice.

So all in all it has been a good birthday week, and it is nice to feel appreciated and connected to others!

Community at work

I saw him standing at the bus stop, and I was relieved. I wouldn't have to wait for the bus alone. Not only that, but I could now be pretty sure this actually *was* the bus stop.

"Is this the bus stop?" I asked when I got close enough, a pretty natural conversation opener, I figured, for a bus stop. "I think so," he said. "Any place with a yellow sign by it is a pretty good bet."

"I made good time here. 12 minutes. I figured I should walk here instead of waiting at one of the secondary stops."
"It took me 30 or 40 minutes, I came from that direction," he said, pointing to the street at the left of Town Landing, a small convenience store in front of us.
"Oh, by Wildwood?" I said, instantly recognizing the direction he was pointing in.
"Yeah."
"Do you live there?"
"Yeah."

"That's where I grew up! What street are you on?"
He named the street I had grown up on.

With blonde hair and an easy smile, whoever this guy was, he made a great conversationalist. Good conversationalists, I have to say, are few and far between. A person has to have a certain kind of energy, a certain kind of vibe, as well as natural enthusiasm and curiousity for all aspects of life, to make a truly good conversationalist. These are the people that you can easily fall into a conversation with about just about anything minutes after meeting them, because you both view the world in somewhat similar terms.

The desire to learn more about other people; being nonjudgemental; open-minded; and curious about the world; the desire to learn new things about the world. With these qualities, a conversation can build quite easily on just about anything. You build off of the enthusiasm and the joy of the other person, delighting in shared communication and shared connection. So few people are curious about what their neighbors' lives are like, about who makes up their community. They stay insulated in their own lives. It is the people that want to build and experience community that I am naturally drawn to.

The bus is 20 minutes late. If not for him, I would have started freaking out about missing it 15 minutes ago. Luckily, engrossed in conversation, I hardly notice.

I get on the bus, and he follows. I say hi to the bus driver, who I recognize from years ago when I used to ride the buses regularly. It is nice to see a familiar face. I sit across from the blonde haired guy, hoping to continue our conversation. We do.

"So," I say, "you said you were in construction, but it wasn't for you. What do you do now?"
"I wash dishes," he says, with only a trace of embarassment.
"Good for you!" says one of the passengers near us. "At least you have a job!"
He, the other man and the woman in between them discuss the various ins and outs of washing dishes at different restaurants for several minutes. I love it. Community in the making.

The bus arrives at Walmart, and an onslaught of people get on. The three people in the front decide they should move to the back in case anyone getting on has trouble with stairs and can't make it to the back. I don't like sitting in the back, but I follow them anyway, figuring the value of continuing this conversation will outweigh any additional discomfort from being in the back. It does.

I sit next to the guy from the bus stop. We talk about whatever comes to mind. His sister's desire to become a winemaker spurs a story from me about my uncle, who is a winemaker. My
declaration that I write freelance e-books for money elicits a truly impressed sounding "Wow!" from him. I tell him about some of my favorite places in Portland. He tells me about the place he is from.

Does this sound unremarkable to you? It very well might. For the millions of people who move around the world with ease, and rely on buses to get where they need to go; who move around easily in the social world with their friends and acquaintances, this story may sound quite unremarkable.

But for someone with chemical sensitivities and and autism, who hasn't ridden a bus more than once in several years because of problems with perfumes and fragrances on buses? For someone who the mere idea of being stuck on a bus could induce a powerful emotional and physical meltdown? Then, this story becomes remarkable.

Because, for thirty minutes, it felt like I had a piece of myself back. And, you know, I've been searching for those missing pieces for three years now, and it's not very often I find one, despite all my efforts. The bus was full. There is no doubt that I would have freaked out and fell prey to both the physical and emotional sensations of such a situation had I not had something, or someone, else so enjoyable to focus on.

But he had my full attention. He had that magnetic pull that certain people who wear their emotions and humanity on their sleeve do. A feeling of connectedness.

On a similar note, several years ago, there was an article in the New York Times about an autism therapy called "floortime" that I have never forgotten.

Basically, it discussed different methods to keep autistic kids and adults engaged with the outside world to increase their ability to function in it. This quote stuck with me.

"If we can keep Ty engaged with us, it means that he is harnessing and organizing his energies in order to interact,” Nelson told me later. “By keeping him connected, we won’t let him be kidnapped by random fragmented thoughts. If you aren’t engaged with other people, then you are completely at the mercy of your own regulatory system. Think about a
situation where you were overcome with distress and how being able to tell someone helped you avoid becoming uncontrollably distraught.” (Melissa Fay Greene, New York Times, 17 October 2008)

What is this if not a perfect illustration of that quote? Life is about connection with other people. Some people have more trouble with it than others. But I have never stopped believing that if I could find a way to make it happen, that it would help me enormously in many different parts of my life.

Sitting there in the middle of that bus ride, looking around at all the people around me, the familiar shape of the bus, people chatting animatedly on all sides of me, I got a glimpse of what my life used to be like. I was aware of some mildly unpleasant smells around me, but I could tune them out, because of my conversation. And having that ability to be on the bus without it driving me insane, like I used to be able to do - that felt good.

Community at work. A person cannot live in isolation without serious side effects. Community at work.

New Year's 2010: Friends, Family and Food

New Year's Eve 2010. I had 5 friends over to my dad's house, and my dad and stepmom had another 5 or 6. I think I counted 17 in all. The evening went by so fast. I got there at 4, took a short walk and then awaited the arrival of others, who mostly came between 6:30 and 7. We played a game where I had come up with the top 20 events of 2010, and had people guess what month they took place in. 3 points for the exact month, 2 for 1 month on either side, 1 for closest guess. It sparked some fun conversation and memories, and in the end, Rob creamed everyone with his recall (although to be fair, he'd taken a Sporcle quiz on 2010 events before arriving), while Nate came in second.

Nate brought six different flavors of whoopie pies, and Janine three chocolate ones, so I had fun cutting and arranging them, then taking pictures of them. Nobody really ate them till the end, but I did see about half gone, so that's good.

There was chocolate chip, maple, ginger, pumpkin, chocolate creme, and other flavors I don't even remember. All made but one by Isamax of Maine and sold in local stores. Nothing says New Year's like whoopie pies, lol.


Okay, so now that I have gotten all the gratuitous whoopie pictures in here, what else did we do? Nate and Rob played ping pong. We started to play another game, but it broke up when I got drawn into conversation with someone else and some people got tired and decided to leave, which was fine. I enjoyed some very stimulating conversation with some of Diane's friends, and I found I had something very interesting in common with one of them. I was so engrossed with talking to her, in fact, that I almost didn't notice that it was just a few minutes to 2011. I finally broke away and counted the last 2 and a half minutes down with everyone else, shouting the final ten seconds, and followed by lots of hugs and joy from everyone. I was glad to share New Year's with my dad and stepmom for the first time in several years, and to have my friends to share it with as well.



My dad got some BBQ from Tennesee, which was much appreciated by the party goers. Rob loved it in particular.

Toast!

My start to 2011 has been slow; I enjoyed yesterday but had a difficult day today. So it goes I suppose -we just hav to hope there are solutions to all our problems in the horizon, and hopefully not get too overwhelmed before we find them.

So happy 2011 to everyone; gee, I haven't written in this blog all year. :)

Kate

On Bush Whackers, Friends and New Year's Eve

This New Year's, I thought I might eventually write a list of resolutions, recap the year, or do some overdone ritual like that. But resolutions, as I think most of us have learned by now, are pretty much useless. Either you follow them or you don't (and most likely you don't), but at any rate, resolutions are something that should be made all year round, not just on New Year's. And I know what mine are without having to write them down: to keep trying to improve the quality of my life and health in any every way possible.

Recapping my year, although it was a very significant and mostly good one, would not feel meaningful to me; because when you have lived every minute of this year as intensely as I have, believe me, you don't need to revisit it. So here's the thirty second version, complete with a "knock on wood" clause: Completed first full year of stable living independently in a mostly chemically sensitive safe home, with people I mostly like and am able to get along with, in a town that I love two miles from where I grew up. Read that sentence again. If you know anything about me or my history, or that of a typical chemically sensitive and / or autistic person's life, then you will realize what an enormous accomplishment that is. There are twelve months worth of memories and stories there, but they aren't going to be told here. There's simply too many of them.

So what am I going to write about for New Year's Eve this year, on the eve of 2011? Well, until this moment, I had no idea. But then it came to me, a flash of inspiration. I decided that I would write about what I'm grateful for. Just consider it a delayed post from Thanksgiving. :)

At this very moment, sometime in the middle of the night on December 29, 2010, these are the things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I have one Bush Whacker request on Facebook. I have no idea what that is (although I can imagine), but it makes me laugh anyway.

I am grateful for the invigorating feel of cold, fresh winter air against my face when I go for my walks; and I am grateful to have the proper winter clothes to wear so that I can enjoy being out in this weather!

I am grateful for my community of friends, especially in the chemical sensitivity community, online, and for my friends, mostly in the autism community, offline. They help support me and remind me that I matter; and I hope I do the same for them.

I am grateful (knock on wood) to be able to watch TV and movies, something I wasn't able to do for five years. Not only is it immensely entertaining and very helpful for taking my mind off things, but it gives me something to talk about and think about that is not related to my illness! That especially was a hidden and unexpected blessing. I love getting lost in other people's stories, real or made up.

I am grateful to have a family that I am able to take part in again, and for the better relationship I have with them now.

I am grateful for a certain 93 year old woman in my life, who warms my heart and puts a smile on my face every day with her own smile, her enthusiasm and her interest in me.

I am grateful to have friends that I can go out and do things with, who share at least some of my interests, and who are just fun to be with.

I am grateful to have been given just enough tools to be able to do what I need to do in my life. (Yes, more would be appreciated, but we make do with the cards we've got, right? I am thankful for the cards I do have.)

I am sure there are more things that I am grateful for, but the point of this exercise was just to write what was in my heart at this very moment. Try it yourself; without over thinking it, which I often do, what small and big things are you grateful for?

That, I've decided, is the best attitude to go into 2011 with.

As hard as it may be, and it is hard, we need to think about these things from time to time. They can't be forced or then they'll just be trite. You need to acknowledge the hardships and difficulties in your life and be able to grieve for what you do not have; but on other, better days, you also need to find the part of you that is grateful. They can co-exist. In fact, if they didn't, I don't think we'd really be human.

A Most Unusual Thanksgiving

How do I describe the 24 hour gathering I had with my grandparents and other assorted family members the day after Thanksgiving, in Longmeadow, MA?

It was short, for one. 24 hours from the time we got there at 4 pm Friday to the time we left at 4 pm Saturday.

But it was packed. Packed with moments, packed with connections, packed with so much interaction I think it's going to take me a week or longer to process it all.

Longmeadow, MA is a pretty, upscale suburb of Springfield, MA. It is a place I spent a lot of time in as a child, visiting my grandparents. I got to know the slope and shape of the sidewalks, perfect for walking; the CVS only about a third of a mile away, so much fun to walk to as a kid and buy candy. I took pleasure in the fact that you could walk to Connecticut from there, about 2 miles away (although walking back is another story). I spent a lot of time with my grandparents.

But it had been three years since I had visited this house and town. The last time was in September 2007. I remember it oh so clearly, because it was just weeks before the exposure in my Portland, Maine apartment would cause my chemical sensitivities to skyrocket, ensuring that my life would be changed forever. Because of the chemical sensitivities, traveling to see my grandparents after that and staying at their house was out of the question. I spent two years traveling around the country, trying to find a place to live that I could tolerate chemically. My life was chaos. How fitting then, that on what is only a few days before my first anniversary of finally living in a stable (knock on wood) environment, and moving back to the Maine I love so much, that I should make this trip back to Springfield.

Like I said, processing the events of those 24 hours might take a while. Which is why I'm glad I had my camera with me to document it. A lot of time, my mind is so engaged in participating in a moment or event that it is hard to actually emotionally process it until later. Therefore, being able to look at pictures of an event makes me feel more connected to it and remember some of the feelings I had without the extreme pressure of being in the moment. It also relieves some of that "feelings that I can't identify bottled up" feeling, because it helps me to process what went on.

The other good thing about having a camera is that when you get bored at family gatherings, or want to be present without having to actually be interacting with the people every minute, you can turn into an anthropologist and study what's around you instead. You can document what's going on you and preserve it for generations to come (if you're lucky). You can catch little moments of connection between people - which I believe is what family gatherings, and indeed life in general, is all about. They are just easier to bring to light in a gathering like this. When you go for mostly candid pictures instead of just a few posed ones, you can catch people as they are naturally, and if you're lucky, with a big, unforced smile on their faces. Then you can remember those moments of connection in living color for as long as the photos last, and remember with affection and pride just where it is you come from.

What is a family gathering but made up of small moments of connection? Two brothers teasing each other while playing with their laptops, or helping each other with their homework around the table on a Saturday morning; two older brothers, uncles in this case, one helping the other with a resume on the computer. People mingling, people exchanging stories, people laughing.



I can't actually remember the last time that my mom, dad, brother and I were in the same room. (We were missing one brother, however. He is supposedly surfing in Peru at the moment.)
I saw my brother last year at this time, and my mom in August. But I really can't remember the last time I saw them at the same time. I wonder if I'd have to go all the way back to college breaks for that - not that I can remember if we were actually home at the same time then, but we probably were.


My aunt, uncle, and cousins I hadn't seen in about five or six years. My cousins grew up in that time. They went from being adorable 8 and 10 year olds to teenagers - mature, intelligent teenagers that are a pleasure to be around.


Not too much had changed with my grandparents, which was good to see. They were thrilled to see me, as I was them; it was a new relationship, based on the new people we were. My grandfather and I discussed our mutual love of Whole Foods and hummus. He sampled the fancy Dagoba chocolate bars I brought; he liked the lavender alright but predictably did not like the 87% dark chocolate. The expression on his face was priceless, and the laughter, I'm sure, was worth the bitter taste in his mouth.


My brother looked the same as he had last year, and it was good to connect with him again.

I think we actually look like twins in this picture, don't you?

They say time waits for no one. It is true. People go on with their lives admist the backdrop of oh so many things. It is easy to get enmeshed in the events of your own life and lose touch with others. I never lost touch per se, as I make a point of calling all my relatives at regular intervals because I value connection, but still, seeing them in the flesh was an entirely different animal. For Black Friday this year, we opted for an entirely different experience: family over consumerism. (We went back to the consumerism on Saturday when I sent my grandfather on a search for rice crackers and Italian pastries. Appropriately, someone had named it Small Business Saturday, so now it seems fitting.)

I woke up from a nap in the car (something I usually can't do) as the Beatles played on my father's Ipod, and we hit the border of Maine. Something about that "Eliot/Kittery, Maine" sign made me smile. Massachussets is a nice place to visit, and family important to connect with, but there's no place like home.

My mom and I; I guess we kind of look alike too!

Meandering Around Portland

Don't you hate when you've got a great blog post in your head, you can see the sentences and ideas you want to use, and then you have to sit down and write it? Not as easy as writing it in your head. For me, that's not because the ideas or words are hard to find, but because the physical aspect of writing has gotten harder.

But nevertheless!

I was going to go to my dad's today with my friend Kellie, but she felt sick after we walked around Mackworth and needed to go home. As it was only 1pm, very early for me, and not wanting to waste an entire day just sitting in my room, on the spur of the moment I asked her if she would take me to Portland on her way home. I'd wander around there for a while, and then {gulp} take the bus home. This is significant for me as trying out the bus has been a goal I have been working towards for about a year. Due to my chemical sensitivities, buses are very difficult for me. And unpredictable as well - you never know who will get on wearing what. But I had been tossing the idea of trying the bus around in my head for a month or two, and this seemed the perfect opportunity to try it.

I had been afraid my bag would be too heavy to carry as I walked around, but once I put my hat and gloves on, it was nice and light. Also, once I put said hat an gloves on, I felt so nice and warm - whee! I KNEW there was a reason I've carried those hat and gloves around all summer for five months! lol. It was about 40 degrees and windy, so they really helped.

So, I started in Monument Square as usual, down to the Old Port, down Exchange, which is such an iconic street. Down to Commerical and the water, and the DiMillo's wharf. They put a new mini lighthouse statue there - it's pretty. So were the boats. Down Commercial to Standard Baking, where I peeked in the window, and then sat on a bench for a bit to rest. Back up Exchange to the park by the former O'Naturals ("Tommy's Park") (I wonder who Tommy was?) where I admired the pretty trees and walked around on the curb surrounding the tree. I had more energy than I expected at this point, so I kept going so I didn't lose it. I didn't stop much the whole time under the theory that stopping would kill the spirit I had going. Up the rest of Exchange onto Congress, and a left to get to Elm, which would take me down to look at the new Trader Joe's, and then to Whole Foods. (That was the only logistical error I made the whole day, in that there are 2 ways to get back to Mon. Sq. from Exchange and the other would have spilled right into Elm and been technically quicker. But going up Exchange is quicker if you're going right to Whole Foods, which I usually am.)

Down Elm and past the bus schedule that I foolishly didn't read, assuming erroneously that the information the Metro guy had given me on the phone was correct (it wasn't). Stopped to rest on a big stone slab behind TJ's. The opening notes of Lady Antebellum's "Hello World" came on and I was entranced. First time I've ever liked that song, it works better with headphones.
TJs was a mob as expected; and I'm just talking about outside! Six cars in line to get in the parking lot. A cop out front directing traffic. (Does the city pay him for this or does TJs?)
Took a brief look inside the window. Pandemonium. Overwhelming just to look at. So I hightailed it out there ,back the 2 blocks up Elm where I crossed over to Kennebec to go a few blocks to Whole Foods. A lady I passed along the way with a TJs shopping bag said she had waited in line for half an hour and wouldn't be coming back any time soon.

Now, I could look at this two ways. And thankfully, I'm looking at it the second. Walking around Portland used to be a far different, dare I say it better, experience. What with being able to eat junk food and just having more energy than I do now - and the sugar high I was always on. But fortunately, I didn't expect much today. I hadn't so much as even seen the Old Port in months. I expected nothing more than to walk and see. And that's what I got. And it was good enough. I've said this before and I'll say it again. There is something about walking around Portland that just feels so right, so natural, so good. A mandala of sorts. Portland - by this I mean the Old Port, Mon. Sq. and the road down to Whole Foods - is just laid out so intuitively. It makes sense. I could find my way around it with my eyes closed. And for this I love Portland, the intense familiarity of it, my easy competence while navigating it. Portland is such an eminently walkable city.

I was thinking about it more and I figured out another reason I like it so much. My mind goes so fast, and is so agitated most of the time with thoughts and worries going at 100 mph. I try to slow it down, to engage and distract, but it's harder to do inside. When I'm walking, it's like my body is almost catching up to my mind, and that slows it down and makes me feel so much better. I can take out my mental agitation by just walking, and walking a path I know so well. I replace internal stimulation with (positive) external stimuli. I get out of my head and into my body a little. I like that. (Although my aching calves and knee might beg to differ.)

I got to Whole Foods and thought I'd sit, but instead I just started wandering. I still had my hat and headphones on so I was in a completely different plane of existence. I wasn't attuned to the people around me (although I didn't hit into them either), just the music, the food, and my inner rhythm. I went to go sniff some coffee beans to try to get the TJs smell out of my nose, then wandered looking at the self serve food bars, the enormous selection of cheese, the premade pesto and whoopie pies, the weird unidentifiable grub in the hot bar.

Then I zeroed in on the chocolate bar aisle, and examined all the bars very closely. There must be 20 different brands and 50 different flavors in that section. It's like heaven just to look at. All high end, mostly organic chocolate bars. There was the full selection of Dagoba with all their pretty wrappers in different colors. Fat, stocky Chocolove with their poems inside. The distinctive Green and Black's, with their two toned wrappers. Scharffen Berger, with their tiny little squares of chocolate, making you wonder just what could lie behind that packaging, what could be so good that they'd put it in such a small wrapping. Newman's Own Oganics with their expresso dark chocolate, jumping out at you. A small, square shaped package. Then the colors, so many colors, so many bars, so much potential. Long, rectangular packages that promise to be super premium, from Costa Rica or South America, using bourbon vanilla or what have you.
65%, 75%, 85%, 90... the packages call out, enticing you to have a true chocolate experience.

What do you see when you look at an aisle of chocolate bars? I'm guessing you don't see all that. :)

So when I finally broke my trance, I sat down at the tables and stuffed myself with rice crackers for energy. :) The interesting thing, I just realized, is how my experience today differed from the norm. It was "planning vs id," in a way. Instead of planning out every minute of my day like I usually do, I was just going with whatever felt right, wandering with no particular plan. Instead of analyzing everything around me, I was lost in the sensory experience of the colors, the shapes, and imagining what lay behind each product. My thoughts were given free rein. Who knew you could have such a meditation in a grocery store? Have I mentioned I love Whole Foods? :)

Ok so I just got totally distracted googling chocolate truffles. Haha, yes, I know. So let's see if I can finish this quickly cus I'm tired now.

Forgot to mention: went to old port candy co to get Marion chocolate Neccos. She had said she wanted them when we were watching some kind of food network show on candy making. She said, "I wonder where you would even get them?" which is kind of like a challenge to me that I can't resist. I knew Old Port Candy Co woul probably have them, they have lots of nostalgic candy. She loved them and said they tasted just like she remembered :)

Bus: After wandering aroun WF totally aimlessly for 2 hrs, how I'm not sure, I left for the bus. Which was supposed to be at 5:55. I figured it might take 15 min to walk there so I left 20 to be sure. I got there in 8. Woohoo. Instead of going up Pearl like I usually would I went back down Kennebec and up Elm which brought me directly to the bus depot. Street wasn't as steep either.
Score on that. I felt real good for about 2 min until I realized the guy on the phone had given me the wrong time and the bus didn't come till 6:30. 40 min away. Ooops. It suddenly occurred to me after the 5:45 buses came that no buses ever left at :55. Either :45, :15, or :30. My suspicions were confirmed by looking at the schedule on the wall. So I called Dennis to kill 20 min (thanks Dennis!) and sat for the last 10 . Fortunately, it was not too cold out with my hat and gloves, so it wasn't so bad sitting. I should have known he'd given me the wrong time but it's been so long since I took a bus that I'd forgotten, oh well.

Bus came a few minutes before half past and thankfully I was the only one on it, as I predicted might happen. No one goes to Falmouth that late in the day usually, they just go to shop most of the time. I had done my visualization so I could be calm when I stepped on the bus. It was definitely uncomfortable (smell wise) but it wasn't intolerable. It's still not something I'd want to do again in a hurry. It took a lot of self control to keep the smell from getting to me. Or should I say, a lot of crackers. I think I ate a whole box on the way home. Eating something kept my mind off it. Took 25 min. Went by fast enough but I was still glad to get off. Walked back from Town Landing as the driver had no idea where my street was and I couldn't see it from the very fast moving bus.

So got back about 7:00. I'm glad I got out and did something , got to see Portland and achieve my goal of trying the bus. But I won't do it again any time soon, lol. The bus part, anyway. Kinda sore and still have some lingering worries from the bus part but hey I made some memories. Whole Foods had beautiful Hanukkah candles for sale - surprising! The coffee shop that used to be the Maine Bean changed to some other coffee shop, which is probably the third coffee shop that it's been in the last year or two. Maybe that place is jinxed. I heard a girl asking her dad about the Hanukkah candles. "It's only three weeks away!" she said. So good to know there actually are other Jewish people in Portland.

And with that I sign off, hoping that I can retain a positive frame of mind and remain open and calm about other experiences that may come my way - in moderation, of course.