The Fivefold Path

The Fivefold Path

I have as usual been obsessing over some very ridiculous things to the point of questioning even what the point was of activities that I enjoy. As usual, I have been over planning to the point of losing the meaning of why I was planning in the first place. So I lied down and thought for a while. Let my thoughts roam free.

At first all I could be was terrified of the void out there, of the big, empty void that this world would be if we didn't attempt to make sense of it in some way - with our routines, with our likes and dislikes, with what we choose to put our passion and energy in. Ah, the way we define the world and our place in it is an interesting game, isn't it? So different for every person. And if I may say so, so infinitely more challenging when your life is limited by any kind of disability and you have more time to think about your life than ways to live it!

But then a few people popped into my head. And they made me smile. And they felt real. And I realized that I felt happy in their presence, even in the face of other problems. So I realized that connections with people, especially certain people, are the first thing that absolutely makes sense to me.

I thought for some more, what else? Nature. Not in all circumstances, but in certain circumstances, being in beautiful spot, especially by the ocean, just makes sense. It bestows an inner joy in you that can't be taken away (well, except by certain weather conditions). It makes you feel whole again.

What else? I wanted dearly to say food, as that would have been, well, almost my entire answer only a couple years ago, but I have had so much trouble with food lately that I couldn't even pick one thing that reliably brought me joy. This saddened me. But then I thought some more and realized I could broaden the category to "momentary sensory joys." Because I am a very sensory person. My mood, sense of being, and sense of place in the world - all affected extremely by my senses. But it is the occasional things - the feel of wind in your hair on a beautiful spring day, the taste of an amazing piece of food that happens to be agreeing with me on any particular day, music, a joke that someone tells that makes me happy, the eye candy and visual and mental stimulation of going someplace new and seeing new, interesting things - these things may be simple and small, but together, they make up something very important in life.

Music - that came next, because music, at least music that I like, has always been able to transport me to the most amazing, wonderful places, for most of my life. The joy of getting lost in a good song on the radio, of connecting with the emotions of a song, of getting swept away - this has always, fortunately, knock on wood, been a constant.

Finally, the sense of joy from writing a good piece that I feel satisfied by - that fills a special place in my heart, even if doesn't happen often enough. And photography - when I remember why I'm doing it - not to get the most pictures or the technically best pictures, but to tell a story that I can use to then connect with other people - that brings me joy too. So creativity, you might say.

Buddhists, if I recall correctly, have their Eightfold Path. So this here will be my Fivefold path. Subject to future moderation if need be.

When I start wanting things I can't have, and being overwhelmed by what I do have - yes, it seems weird to be able to do both at the same time - when I start thinking of material things or comparing myself to what others would do - these, at least for the time being, are the things I need to come back to. Everything else can just fall away because it's not important.

Other things to remember

I need to know that the absence of any of these things is only temporary and means it is leading to the presence of it, as life operates as a kind of pendulum, going back and forth. It would be an error to think that absence was ever permanent, for absence is what makes black black and white white - their very definition lies in what they are in relation to each other.

I also need to remember that all of these things do not have to be present at once, in fact they usually will not be. But at least one either will be or won't be far off. Remember, absence is a sign of good things to come.

So I will try to think of life and my daily life in these terms, and if I can succeed even 50% of the time, my life will be a lot simpler.

Now maybe I can go to bed =)

Less is More, or lessons learned from Cold Stone Creamery

Last night, as my head was spinning around in circles and more circles, I finally got up and decided to get ready for bed. It was then that I had this insight that I want to share with all of you.

I have been planning a trip to Vermont to the Strolling of the Heifers Festival in Brattleboro, with my friend Rob. When he told me last Thursday that he was interested in traveling somewhere this summer, my brain went onto 150 mph and wouldnt stop for 2 days, researching, imagining and planning all the amazing things we could do.

As a result, I got quite overwhelmed, quite quickly - although I didn't realize it at the time.

I went onto a website for New England festivals, which is where I found this one.
Then I went into a frenzy of planning, not only for this festival but for all of the other many festivals that will be happening in Maine this summer, that my friends and I have already made plans to go to.

There are few things that I love more than festivals, so that is not the problem. But I think it is like when I was a kid and my family would go to amusement parks. I would always unexplainably start crying in the car on the way there. I realize now it is because there was SO MUCH to do and think about, and I wanted to do it all, that I got overexcited.

Now I am trying to remind myself that it is much better to pick 1 or 2 things you want to do and do them well, instead of having your hands in every pie possible.

This reminds me of an analogy, though.

When Cold Stone Creamery was open in Portland, I went very frequently and loved it.
The first several times, I got every topping I possibly could on my ice cream. Why not? They were there. Waffle cones dipped in chocolate? Check. Sprinkles, M&Ms? Check. Hot sauce? Check. And I'm sure the first time I enjoyed it , that I won't deny, but you have to admit you lose a little something in all that hoopla on top... like the ice cream. You can't really taste it with all that stuff on top. And they have REALLY good ice cream. Some of the best I've ever tasted.

Wondering why I wasn't satisfied with my ice cream the next time I ordered it, I decided to try something drastic. I got plain ice cream (Birthday Cake, in fact) with not a single thing on top of it. And you know what? It was wonderful. The flavor and nuances really came out in that ice cream. And I realized, to my utter surprise and shock, that it tasted better than with all the toppings. I realized just because they were there, didn't mean I had to have them all to enjoy the experience.

So from then on, when I went, I would get just a kid's size of my favorite ice cream. On Tuesdays, when it was buy 1 get 1 free, I'd get 2 and put chocolate sauce on 1 to have the full experience and a choice, but other than that, I opted for simple.

Just like Cold Stone, just because Vermont and western Massachussets is *there* doesn't mean I have to explore every inch of it to be happy. This applies to the Maine festivals as well, although I certainly still want to do a good share of them. But I don't *have* to.
I calmed down considerably when I realized this. Moderation is the key in any pursuit.

And now, bring on the strolling of the heifers (June 3-5)! Moo!

http://www.strollingoftheheifers.com/

Stronger

"I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger"

- "Stronger," Sara Evans

"If I had a song,
I'd sing it in the morning,
I'd sing it in the evening,
All over this land

I'd sing out danger,
I'd sing out a warning
I'd sing out love between my brothers and my sisters,
All over this land."

- "If I Had a Hammer," Peter, Paul and Mary

Once in a while, in this life, we are treated to gifts, wonderful gifts that restore our faith in our ability to live on this planet. Gifts that bolster us and tell us we're on the right path. No, I'm not talking about anything you can buy in a store. I'm talking about something ever so much more precious- the gift of human connection.

Human connection is tricky at best. Asperger's or not, humans are complicated beings. But I won't deny that Asperger's makes it much harder. That is why I treasure it when I stumble upon a connection with someone else that feels real, genuine and heartfelt. A connection that I don't feel I'm just faking my way through. A conversation where I'm not just struggling to come up with things to say, but instead have SO MANY things to say, as does the other person, that I can barely keep them all in my head - but it doesn't matter, because they keep changing and growing along with what the other person says, so that the conversation evolves in a wholly organic manner, as all good conversations should. A flowing, effortless conversation - something so rare for me that it might as well be put on the endangered species list.

Does this sound odd to non-Aspies? I'm not sure, because I'm not one of them. I wonder if these sorts of conversations are easier for them. I think they must be. It is of course hard to tell how much is truly easy for NTs and how much is just posturing!

But tonight, I had this rare species of a conversation with a friend on Skype. As the best conversations seem to be, it was spontaneous, arising out of the need for me to ask a question on a topic unrelated to the conversation we ended up having. This question ended up reminding me of another topic, which in turn reminded her of something, which reminded me of....And we kept going. And sooner rather than later got into some rather meaty, important topics of a significant emotional and psychological nature, which is my favorite kind of conversation.

I was talking about some unpleasant incidents from my past, but for once, I didn't do it with any signs of anxiety. I didn't do it with desperation in my voice. I didn't have "RESCUE ME!" written all over my face. Needless to say, that made for a better conversation. I can count on one hand, hell maybe one finger, the amount of times I have been able to talk about these topics in a laid back way, however. Just sitting back in my chair, pondering my life with a friend in similar circumstances. I love that version of laid back me. Can she come out and play more often?

My friend told me she thought I was on the right path. She said she thought I was doing everything right, and that I was being really smart and thoughtful about how I chose to do things. She reminded me of how far I had come. And for once, I believed her. I believed her when she said I was doing the right thing. I think we all know how hard it can be to accept positive feedback when we're used to negative.

So, you know what? At least for tonight, I think I'm okay.

Tomorrow, though, may be a different story. But then again, maybe not.

Happy Mother's Day

A few images from Mother's Day BBQ at my dad's

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Blueberry cream cheese

More at http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.546935525075.2048825.41400579&l=81426d3929

Living your way into an answer (the case of the cell phone)

A few months ago, my cell phone broke. It had lasted me about 5 years, so I was sad to see it go. I had known this was coming for a while, though, and luckily had prepared myself. I tried to get a new phone, but due to my chemical sensitivities, that didn't work. I thought about getting a used phone off Ebay, but didn't want to pay money for something I wasn't sure, again, would work with my MCS/chemical sensitivities. My grandfather offered me his used phone, but I wasn't sure I wanted to switch to Verizon, having been on AT&T for so long. In the meantime, I used Skype to make outgoing calls and recieve incoming calls, because for only $7 a month, well, why wouldn't you?

At first I was a little overwhelmed in trying to figure out my options. I kept going back and forth through the merits of each - try another new phone and hope it outgasses quicker? Just buy a used one, like I did 5 years before? Or use my grandfather's, but would I lose anything by switching phone companies?

Since I didn't have to make a decision right away, though, I didn't. I used Skype and thought about it on occassion, never really arriving at a decision. Also, I was waiting for the first new phone I got to be returned to ATT, which took a few weeks.

One night several weeks later, I was checking my email and other sites, and found that my phone had finally been returned. This spurred a whole new round of speculation. I realized, though, with a flash of inspiration, that Skype worked so well for me (hands free phone, gotta love it) that I didn't even want to sign a 2 year contract with ATT to get a fancy new phone whose features I didn't really need and which I didn't want to wait to outgas. I wasn't going to pay for a used phone that may or may not work. In fact, I didn't even WANT to use a cell phone anymore, except for emergency use. So, then, it made sense just to use my grandfather's phone and get a very small plan on Verizon (they have no contract pay as you go plans) and use it for emergencies.

Now, this may seem an obvious course of action and perhaps even somewhat boring, but it is significant for one reason. It is the only time in my memory that I have ever been able to just "let something go" and let it get solved in due time. I am usually very bad with uncertainty of any kind and want to have a solution to any problem the moment it comes up.


"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." — R.M. Rilke

I have always loved this quote, but never been able to quite follow it.

With the case of my phone, I did though - and I did live my way into an answer.

I realize from this that there is some value in the "wait and see" approach, and hope that I can use this approach more in the future to better deal with uncertainty, at least to some degree.

Sometimes the smallest things in life can yield the most interesting insights, and you have to hold on to every one with all you've got.

Week with my friend

Bo and Betty, friends forever (Awwwww)


So, this past week, from Tuesday to Friday, I was at my dad's with my friend E. I was nervous about doing something that would break my schedule/routine so much, as I am usually rather attached to my routine, but I wanted to spend time with E. At first I tried to plan what we would do, but it soon became clear that we were both too tired to do much of anything, so we sat on the couch and talked a lot. And that turned out to be the best thing we could possibly do, because it is there in those conversations that you didn't expect to have, that you didn't plan on, that the best and truest moments of connection happen. Those few minutes when I can let my guard down and just talk to someone without analyzing what I'm saying, without thinking of what I'm going to do next and a hundred other things at once....well, they're a lot more meaningful.

So we sat and talked a lot, and for once, I was okay with "just hanging out." That's an interesting principle, because it took me a LONG time to get to this point. I still would only do it with people I knew very well, of course, but... the first few times I went to my dad's after moving here for more than a few hours I was almost terrified because I simply didn't know what I would be doing with my time, and I am a person who needs every minute planned and occupied, even if it's only with TV, lest my brain become overactive and take me hostage lol.

But as I started enjoying being around my parents more, and especially as I finally gained the ability to watch TV, something so many take for granted, I became much more relaxed about it, knowing that there would be at least SOMETHING to do to fill the time.

But for whatever reason, probably the good and relaxing influence of E, I felt more flexible and go with the flow-ish than I ever had this time, and that was a very nice feeling. The first day I was a bit nervous about all the time to fill but the subsequent days I was fine.

I took a nice but icy walk one day...half of it was great, the other not so much lol. Took some cute animal pictures, watched a lot of Third Rock from the Sun, had a lot of heart to heart conversations with E, Skyped with friends online who I introduced to to E and to my dad, made a steak dinner for E and I one night which was fun, mostly because it was actually edible!, and enjoyed the feeling of actually being able to, at least in part, take care of someone else, while at the same time they took care of me. A very nice mutal relationship, of which I have not often experienced. She knew my needs without having to ask and helped me out with things I needed without me asking, and I knew her needs (or at least most of them), and helped her out with them as well - I love that - what more could you ask from a relationship with another person (friendship). It felt so good not to have to feel guilty about asking for help in some areas, or even to have to ask at all - wow! And it felt good so good to be able to help another person. If only all relationships with other people could be like this, right?

I helped my dad out with the trivia he was playing and got to spend some time with him, which was good. It was good to see him and my stepmom without being too rushed, which I usually am when I go over there.

All that considered, it also felt very good when I got back on Friday; there are few things I like more than the peace and feeling of stability that my routine here gives me. Marion was very happy to see me, and Dennis helped me set up the DVD player (all the way from Florida), so Marion and I watched Marley and Me together. I for once had a feeling of looking forward to things, a brief and fleeting feeling but a feeling nonetheless.

So I'm still a little bit disconbobulated, getting used to being back, but I think overall it went quite well. I do feel bad for E who is dealing with quite a lot of health problems, related to MCS, Lyme, and EMF sensitivity, but I hope that despite these difficulties I gave her some moments of comfort and enjoyment this week.

And now, the beat goes on.

I heart you. Even if sometimes I have a beef with you.

Birthday Week

At 3pm today, my friends and I attempted to meet for my planned birthday celebration. The weather, however, didn't want to cooperate, having dumped a foot of fresh snow on the hiking trail we planned to go on yesterday. Not only that, but we were met with a fierce wind off the ocean as soon as we stepped out of the car. Having had my share of dealing with fierce winds on Thursday, I was not amused. We nixed the trail but did end walking around the Mackworth campus, which was far bigger and more interesting than I had realized. After about a 20 minute circuit, we were back at the car, and elected to go straight to Whole Foods, realizing that anywhere else in Portland would just be ten times as cold and windy.



I opened a gift that an online friend had sent me, which turned out to be maple candy. We played trivia and 20 Questions with famous people, with Rob getting all the math questions and Nate getting all the TV and movie questions. Besides eating them, we also did an experiment with the maple candies to see how long it would take one to dissolve one in water. It was not as quick as I thought...took about half an hour to be three quarters dissolved.


Some small balloons, which my stepmom had found and blown up during my birthday dinner with her and my dad last week, provided some more entertainment in the form of fun with static electricity - sticking them on each other and taking pictures. :) (My stepmom said that they would not last a week but apparently the laws of physics, or birthdays, defied her.)


Since we had an excess of maple candies after everyone had had their fill, I decided to try to give them out to the Whole Foods employees. Two of them seemed genuinely excited to have them, which made me happy; one agreed to try them; and the rest declined. I did feel slightly embarassed asking, but I am a firm proponent of the "random acts of kindness" theory and like to try to make people's days better when I can, which is not as often as I would like.

It was a very nice birthday, or belated birthday, as I felt very appreciated. This is the best part of having a birthday if done right! :) Rob paid for my dinner, Nate got me some Jodi Picoult books I wanted at Borders (yay!), Janine got me a gluten and dairy free brownie, and Amber gave me a lovely and very cute framed photo that she had done. She makes animals and different things out of vegetables and does it well. In this portrait, a dog is catching a frisbee, only the frisbee is a rice cracker! Ha! She knows me too well :)

****

On Thursday, I went into town on the bus because I needed something for dinner, seeing as the Irish have taken all the brisket (for St Pattys day). This was my third time on the bus. It was sunny and warm on the walk to the bus stop; I had everything unzipped. The walk was quite pleasant. The bus was 15 minutes late, which seems to be the average. Tolerable in nice weather but not in bad weather, I am sure.

I was the only person on, but we picked up a few people at Shaw's and Walmart. A guy about my age with Tourette's came on about halfway through. Never having met someone with
Tourette's, I found this very interesting, and after thinking about it, I decided to start a conversation with him. I felt bad for him, thinking how often he must be treated badly and stared at, and wanted him to have a positive interaction with the public. I also just wanted to talk to him. He was very friendly, and had a nice smile. We talked about the weather and the library a bit.

The bus went okay, I did better than usual on it, knock on wood.

In Portland, it was freezing, as the wind was coming off the ocean and creating Artic conditions. So much for a nice day. I asked Ryan if he would cut my hair as I was a bit desperate, and he said yes. We found a bench by Tommy's Park in the Old Port and I told him to go at it, lol. We all think he did quite a good job, especially considering the circumstances, and since he had never cut hair before!

Fun with balloons and my lovely haircut!

On Facebook, I got 87 happy birthday wishes. 87! I did not know I knew 87 people that would take the time to wish me HB. :)

Last weekend, my parents invited me over for a birthday dinner, and we had tenderloin steak. My relatives Steve and Gail were there also, which was nice.

So all in all it has been a good birthday week, and it is nice to feel appreciated and connected to others!

Community at work

I saw him standing at the bus stop, and I was relieved. I wouldn't have to wait for the bus alone. Not only that, but I could now be pretty sure this actually *was* the bus stop.

"Is this the bus stop?" I asked when I got close enough, a pretty natural conversation opener, I figured, for a bus stop. "I think so," he said. "Any place with a yellow sign by it is a pretty good bet."

"I made good time here. 12 minutes. I figured I should walk here instead of waiting at one of the secondary stops."
"It took me 30 or 40 minutes, I came from that direction," he said, pointing to the street at the left of Town Landing, a small convenience store in front of us.
"Oh, by Wildwood?" I said, instantly recognizing the direction he was pointing in.
"Yeah."
"Do you live there?"
"Yeah."

"That's where I grew up! What street are you on?"
He named the street I had grown up on.

With blonde hair and an easy smile, whoever this guy was, he made a great conversationalist. Good conversationalists, I have to say, are few and far between. A person has to have a certain kind of energy, a certain kind of vibe, as well as natural enthusiasm and curiousity for all aspects of life, to make a truly good conversationalist. These are the people that you can easily fall into a conversation with about just about anything minutes after meeting them, because you both view the world in somewhat similar terms.

The desire to learn more about other people; being nonjudgemental; open-minded; and curious about the world; the desire to learn new things about the world. With these qualities, a conversation can build quite easily on just about anything. You build off of the enthusiasm and the joy of the other person, delighting in shared communication and shared connection. So few people are curious about what their neighbors' lives are like, about who makes up their community. They stay insulated in their own lives. It is the people that want to build and experience community that I am naturally drawn to.

The bus is 20 minutes late. If not for him, I would have started freaking out about missing it 15 minutes ago. Luckily, engrossed in conversation, I hardly notice.

I get on the bus, and he follows. I say hi to the bus driver, who I recognize from years ago when I used to ride the buses regularly. It is nice to see a familiar face. I sit across from the blonde haired guy, hoping to continue our conversation. We do.

"So," I say, "you said you were in construction, but it wasn't for you. What do you do now?"
"I wash dishes," he says, with only a trace of embarassment.
"Good for you!" says one of the passengers near us. "At least you have a job!"
He, the other man and the woman in between them discuss the various ins and outs of washing dishes at different restaurants for several minutes. I love it. Community in the making.

The bus arrives at Walmart, and an onslaught of people get on. The three people in the front decide they should move to the back in case anyone getting on has trouble with stairs and can't make it to the back. I don't like sitting in the back, but I follow them anyway, figuring the value of continuing this conversation will outweigh any additional discomfort from being in the back. It does.

I sit next to the guy from the bus stop. We talk about whatever comes to mind. His sister's desire to become a winemaker spurs a story from me about my uncle, who is a winemaker. My
declaration that I write freelance e-books for money elicits a truly impressed sounding "Wow!" from him. I tell him about some of my favorite places in Portland. He tells me about the place he is from.

Does this sound unremarkable to you? It very well might. For the millions of people who move around the world with ease, and rely on buses to get where they need to go; who move around easily in the social world with their friends and acquaintances, this story may sound quite unremarkable.

But for someone with chemical sensitivities and and autism, who hasn't ridden a bus more than once in several years because of problems with perfumes and fragrances on buses? For someone who the mere idea of being stuck on a bus could induce a powerful emotional and physical meltdown? Then, this story becomes remarkable.

Because, for thirty minutes, it felt like I had a piece of myself back. And, you know, I've been searching for those missing pieces for three years now, and it's not very often I find one, despite all my efforts. The bus was full. There is no doubt that I would have freaked out and fell prey to both the physical and emotional sensations of such a situation had I not had something, or someone, else so enjoyable to focus on.

But he had my full attention. He had that magnetic pull that certain people who wear their emotions and humanity on their sleeve do. A feeling of connectedness.

On a similar note, several years ago, there was an article in the New York Times about an autism therapy called "floortime" that I have never forgotten.

Basically, it discussed different methods to keep autistic kids and adults engaged with the outside world to increase their ability to function in it. This quote stuck with me.

"If we can keep Ty engaged with us, it means that he is harnessing and organizing his energies in order to interact,” Nelson told me later. “By keeping him connected, we won’t let him be kidnapped by random fragmented thoughts. If you aren’t engaged with other people, then you are completely at the mercy of your own regulatory system. Think about a
situation where you were overcome with distress and how being able to tell someone helped you avoid becoming uncontrollably distraught.” (Melissa Fay Greene, New York Times, 17 October 2008)

What is this if not a perfect illustration of that quote? Life is about connection with other people. Some people have more trouble with it than others. But I have never stopped believing that if I could find a way to make it happen, that it would help me enormously in many different parts of my life.

Sitting there in the middle of that bus ride, looking around at all the people around me, the familiar shape of the bus, people chatting animatedly on all sides of me, I got a glimpse of what my life used to be like. I was aware of some mildly unpleasant smells around me, but I could tune them out, because of my conversation. And having that ability to be on the bus without it driving me insane, like I used to be able to do - that felt good.

Community at work. A person cannot live in isolation without serious side effects. Community at work.

New Year's 2010: Friends, Family and Food

New Year's Eve 2010. I had 5 friends over to my dad's house, and my dad and stepmom had another 5 or 6. I think I counted 17 in all. The evening went by so fast. I got there at 4, took a short walk and then awaited the arrival of others, who mostly came between 6:30 and 7. We played a game where I had come up with the top 20 events of 2010, and had people guess what month they took place in. 3 points for the exact month, 2 for 1 month on either side, 1 for closest guess. It sparked some fun conversation and memories, and in the end, Rob creamed everyone with his recall (although to be fair, he'd taken a Sporcle quiz on 2010 events before arriving), while Nate came in second.

Nate brought six different flavors of whoopie pies, and Janine three chocolate ones, so I had fun cutting and arranging them, then taking pictures of them. Nobody really ate them till the end, but I did see about half gone, so that's good.

There was chocolate chip, maple, ginger, pumpkin, chocolate creme, and other flavors I don't even remember. All made but one by Isamax of Maine and sold in local stores. Nothing says New Year's like whoopie pies, lol.


Okay, so now that I have gotten all the gratuitous whoopie pictures in here, what else did we do? Nate and Rob played ping pong. We started to play another game, but it broke up when I got drawn into conversation with someone else and some people got tired and decided to leave, which was fine. I enjoyed some very stimulating conversation with some of Diane's friends, and I found I had something very interesting in common with one of them. I was so engrossed with talking to her, in fact, that I almost didn't notice that it was just a few minutes to 2011. I finally broke away and counted the last 2 and a half minutes down with everyone else, shouting the final ten seconds, and followed by lots of hugs and joy from everyone. I was glad to share New Year's with my dad and stepmom for the first time in several years, and to have my friends to share it with as well.



My dad got some BBQ from Tennesee, which was much appreciated by the party goers. Rob loved it in particular.

Toast!

My start to 2011 has been slow; I enjoyed yesterday but had a difficult day today. So it goes I suppose -we just hav to hope there are solutions to all our problems in the horizon, and hopefully not get too overwhelmed before we find them.

So happy 2011 to everyone; gee, I haven't written in this blog all year. :)

Kate

On Bush Whackers, Friends and New Year's Eve

This New Year's, I thought I might eventually write a list of resolutions, recap the year, or do some overdone ritual like that. But resolutions, as I think most of us have learned by now, are pretty much useless. Either you follow them or you don't (and most likely you don't), but at any rate, resolutions are something that should be made all year round, not just on New Year's. And I know what mine are without having to write them down: to keep trying to improve the quality of my life and health in any every way possible.

Recapping my year, although it was a very significant and mostly good one, would not feel meaningful to me; because when you have lived every minute of this year as intensely as I have, believe me, you don't need to revisit it. So here's the thirty second version, complete with a "knock on wood" clause: Completed first full year of stable living independently in a mostly chemically sensitive safe home, with people I mostly like and am able to get along with, in a town that I love two miles from where I grew up. Read that sentence again. If you know anything about me or my history, or that of a typical chemically sensitive and / or autistic person's life, then you will realize what an enormous accomplishment that is. There are twelve months worth of memories and stories there, but they aren't going to be told here. There's simply too many of them.

So what am I going to write about for New Year's Eve this year, on the eve of 2011? Well, until this moment, I had no idea. But then it came to me, a flash of inspiration. I decided that I would write about what I'm grateful for. Just consider it a delayed post from Thanksgiving. :)

At this very moment, sometime in the middle of the night on December 29, 2010, these are the things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I have one Bush Whacker request on Facebook. I have no idea what that is (although I can imagine), but it makes me laugh anyway.

I am grateful for the invigorating feel of cold, fresh winter air against my face when I go for my walks; and I am grateful to have the proper winter clothes to wear so that I can enjoy being out in this weather!

I am grateful for my community of friends, especially in the chemical sensitivity community, online, and for my friends, mostly in the autism community, offline. They help support me and remind me that I matter; and I hope I do the same for them.

I am grateful (knock on wood) to be able to watch TV and movies, something I wasn't able to do for five years. Not only is it immensely entertaining and very helpful for taking my mind off things, but it gives me something to talk about and think about that is not related to my illness! That especially was a hidden and unexpected blessing. I love getting lost in other people's stories, real or made up.

I am grateful to have a family that I am able to take part in again, and for the better relationship I have with them now.

I am grateful for a certain 93 year old woman in my life, who warms my heart and puts a smile on my face every day with her own smile, her enthusiasm and her interest in me.

I am grateful to have friends that I can go out and do things with, who share at least some of my interests, and who are just fun to be with.

I am grateful to have been given just enough tools to be able to do what I need to do in my life. (Yes, more would be appreciated, but we make do with the cards we've got, right? I am thankful for the cards I do have.)

I am sure there are more things that I am grateful for, but the point of this exercise was just to write what was in my heart at this very moment. Try it yourself; without over thinking it, which I often do, what small and big things are you grateful for?

That, I've decided, is the best attitude to go into 2011 with.

As hard as it may be, and it is hard, we need to think about these things from time to time. They can't be forced or then they'll just be trite. You need to acknowledge the hardships and difficulties in your life and be able to grieve for what you do not have; but on other, better days, you also need to find the part of you that is grateful. They can co-exist. In fact, if they didn't, I don't think we'd really be human.