Thursday, December 19, 2013

Writing social group

Another post from Facebook I am putting on here.

Groceries on the counter, stomach empty except for yogurt and a little turkey I had earlier, need to recharge before can do either. What a day.

The meetup was really good but I am pretty exhausted. Being in Books a Million for 2.5 hrs takes a lot out of you. My body is all like "hey we kind of don't feel like breathing right now". But my brain is like "Thank you for giving me that nice social opportunity to meet other people and reconnect with an old friend." And then my brain is like "I wish Borders was still there." Hahaha.

About 12 people, mostly significantly older people which usually I don't mind but I didn't really get the touchy feely relational vibes from them. But luckily closest to me were three younger people who were putting out those vibes. So I talked to them. One in particular was extremely interesting. She works in a library in Limington, near Standish, quite far from here. I was very glad that my friend Carol went to the meetup with me so I had someone to take comfort from, and I was able to get a ride from her, and most importantly it was just really good to see her again and talk to her, as I hadn't for some time. The best part really was after the meetup when Carol, this other girl and I were all talking. I could feel the place bothering me but I just chose to ignore it and make myself talk, pretty much what I did at the synagogue. I feel similarly not good like I did at the synagogue. But once in a while...Gotta stretch yourself I guess. Want to see how the rest of the world lives.

This other girl M was sitting there and she said "Wow, those magazines are really fragrant." I'm like, woah, did you just say what I thought you said? She said, yeah they're really smelly. "I don't like anything with artificial fragrances. My house is a scent free zone." I'm like, woah. I totally get you. Ha, what are the chances?  Too bad she lives so far away, but maybe could visit her if I'm visiting my parents, or if she's willing to come into Portland. She positively vibrated with passionate energy. Her eyes positively danced. She was petite like me and we were sitting in exactly the same way... one leg crossed over the other and using our hands to gesture as we spoke. Her face spoke volumes. I really like meeting those kind of people. It just makes you feel so alive, so connected. The three of us all said we wanted more community and more social connections. My other friend might be starting a new meetup group that could be interesting, that might meet at whole foods.

The bookstore wasn't as much a madhouse as I would have thought it would have been, given the holidays. Long line, but other than that. Not like the toy store in Portland.

There was a guy who looked like straight out of central casting for a poet... Hard to describe but yeah. He was nice. The guy who lead the group talked a lot about upcoming events for the group. Most of what they do is critique writing which I'm not really all that interested in.

I also got to do some grocery shopping so do not have to worry about that. Now I just have to put it away, Sigh. I went to the gelato shop briefly to talk to the girl there, we talked about Burlington. Sidewalks were more clear today but it was damp and felt chilly even though it was 35.

So now I have to be positive and calm as I deal with and accept the tiredness and offness and weird breathing feelings that come with spending 2.5 hrs in Books a Million, and be patient while they pass. Eventually. And remind myself it was worth it to expand my world.

And hope I can get some sleep tomorrow. Apparently we are having the storm door installed tomorrow. Yay, more newness in a day when I really just need to relax. So much fun. Haha. Not. Hopefully I will be more well rested by then. I need to be thankful for what I have.

That concludes this episode of what Kate did today....

Need to remember ...
I am loved.. .I am cared about... even if I sometimes can't see it or feel it or forget it. I exist in a cloud of love. I have abilities I do not even realize and doubt myself too much. I have the ability to connect with a wide range of people and people see me in a much more positive light than I see myself. Therefore I should not judge myself so harshly. Everyone seemed glad to meet me and talkto me at the meetup. It was much better than the general social meetups I've been in the past since it was based around a common, intellectual interest. My friend said, you've had to develop a lot of confidence since you've been through so much. And I didn't really think about it that way before... because although I've developed more social confidence because I wanted social interaction so badly that I just decided to not care what people thought, to an extent, and go for it, I constantly doubt myself in other areas. But I do find that with every challenge I am able to meet it, surpass the obstacles, even thrive , or so people tell me.... It's just the before and the after that really sucks. The anticipation and the comedown. So... Need to believe in my self... Need to try not to have so much anticipation anxiety... Ive surmounted all kinds of obstacles most people don't even have to think about. And instead of being ashamed that I have these obstacles I should be proud that I've managed to overcome a great deal of them.... Maybe not all of them or as much as I'd like but... a lot of them. Food for thought.

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