I had an awesome walk home from the fundraiser at the museum today. I sat and contemplated for a while at Otto's and then when I was ready to start walking back, I was in a good mood from the song on the radio and my mood in general, and didn't want to lose it.
I started to walk up Congress but the physical sensations of doing so were totally getting in the way of enjoying the song, and I really didn't want to walk uphill, at least not then, when such a good song was on the radio and I wanted to enjoy it. I was by Washington and dimly remembered that that might lead somewhere by the Eastern Prom, but wasn't sure. I was hesitant to take a way that may or may not actually lead where I wanted to go, but it felt right, so I decided to trust my instinct.
I went for half a mile or so, and saw Walnut, which I know runs to the Prom. It was straight uphill and I'm thinking "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, I'm going to have to get uphill somehow." But I kept thinking, even though I couldn't picture it, that somehow it ended up in the Eastern Prom. I couldn't remember how, but I felt like it did. I doubted myself and called Rob for directions, but all he could tell me was to go up Congress (um, yeah, trying to avoid that). As I was talking to him and tentatively taking more steps forward, exactly what I was thinking I would find but couldn't picture came into view. Yes! That little winding road that leads to the park on the corner of North St and Eastern Prom. I knew exactly where I was, and the grade of that hill was so low as to hardly qualify as a hill. I had found a way to get to and from the Eastern Prom without hills. I was very excited. Also, more importantly even, I had trusted my instinct even when I had no idea if I was right or not and was paid off handsomely.
I tend to take everything and make it into an analogy for life. Perhaps because I'm so eager to learn ways to cope with life! It occurs to me though that it is the perfect analogy for life. Having an instinct, following it even when everyone tells you to take a different way, not being able to picture something but still knowing it is there - that concept in particular has been a hard one for me to grasp, but I am seeing that maybe, just maybe, just because I can't picture something doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. The emotional connection and positive feelings about my self , I can't quite imagine at this point, but I know it is there. I see glimpses of it from time to time and so I know it is there. I keep working at it, taking the only way and methods I can think to use, and trying not to pay attention to others when they say it's not possible. Or when they say I should be taking another path to finding it. The analogy is perfect.
I got to that little park just in time to see the sun setting over the ocean. It was beautiful, and I sat and watched for an hour, listening to music and connecting with it all the more intensely because of the positive emotion of achievement. Between there and wandering around across the street from my apartment because I felt too good to want to go in, I was out for two hours, lost in so many good songs on the radio and so much positive emotion. I left the museum at a few minutes before 8 and it was 1043 before I got inside! The whole thing didn't feel like it lasted more than a half hour. THAT is the kind of losing myself that I like to do... Losing myself to positive emotion instead of negative for once!
I felt at peace... like nothing was attacking me for once. Lost in the positive emotion, as I said, of achievement, of lack of overwhelming sensory input for once, of comfort, feelings of emotional connection from the day still present, and good songs on the radio which made me also feel connected. Just wandering up and down the Prom singing. It's so good to feel good for once.
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