Connection

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem a little agitated. Are you sure you don't want to go?" The well meaning questions. "I'll be fine as soon as I get to talk to people a little," I thought, and every single time, I was. She seemed surprised by how quickly I could go from that agitated to that outgoing, happy and in my element. Hell, I was too.

But now it seems so obvious.

Feelings of sadness triggered feelings of fear
Feelings of sadness triggered worries of abandonment
Feelings of sadness caused me to panic, because the connection to others was gone
Any sort of physical or emotional sensation caused me to immediately feel isolated, and that caused me to panic

A smile, a warm greeting, casual chit chat stitched me back together, every time
Agitation was no match for social inclusion
In the warm smile of another, I was whole again

Some day I will figure out how to get this feeling when I am alone. But for now, I'll settle knowing that I can feel okay again in the company of another warm, open soul. I'll get there. I am traveling this road of self-discovery and I will find the keys to self-love in due time.