Declaration of Coping

Rambling from Facebook I deemed interesting enough to put here.... 

I don't want to go to bed because I want to rest first. I am avoiding everything. Maybe if I lie down for an hour it will qualify as resting and I can deal with what I have to deal with and actually go to bed...
I went to the place I've been volunteering for an hour and interviewed one more person. Hopefully I haven't lost the papers yet. I'd like to get up by 10 but I guess that depends on when I go to bed. Maybe I could go back around 1230 for another couple hrs. Then have appt at 3pm. Have to call someone to figure out if I can get a ride to synagogue. Have to figure out if I'm going to synagogue. Have to email re weekend plans. Why am I avoiding relatively simple things? Just for the sake of avoiding, sometimes, it seems.

Day after day I do this, and maybe I am coping. Maybe, technically speaking, I am coping. If you took the gestalt of my life and tried to describe it with a sentence, what would it be? I wonder that so often.

But maybe, when you take the gestalt and big picture of life, maybe I am coping, and maybe that's all that's *really* required of life. Enough food to sustain me, enough social interaction to sustain me, just enough activity to fill my time, but all with such great effort. I agree that it's probably useless to spend as much time as I do looking for the meaning in things. It's not going to come through intellect. It's just going to happen when it does. But human minds want to make sense of our suffering, of our existence, of our role.

So I am coping and maybe that's enough. I am suffering, but I am coping. I am meeting the minimum requirements for life. Well, that's a start.
I put out to the universe that I am enough. If all I can say about life is that I can cope with it, that would be a start. Because most days I feel like I can't. So I'll say it over and over again, I'll write it again and again if I have to, so I can actually feel the words, feel what they mean. I am coping. I am coping. I am taking my emotional pain and finding places I can tolerate going, like the meetup I went to tonight, to share it and examine it and make it hurt less. Even as I say "It's not enough" I need to be mindful that just maybe it could be. Even as I cry out that I need more places that I can go, I need to be mindful of the beautiful connections I have in the places I do go. When I say it's enough is when I can start to enjoy it, probably.

When I get overwhelmed by things I have to do, I should be mindful that I have the ability to do them even if I am tired by the routine and the effort. There are some that truly can't. I am enough. I have enough. My life is enough. I am trying these sentences on for size. I want to feel satisfied. I want to feel okay. I want to feel peaceful, calm, satisfied, connected to others. I want to feel like I matter to others. I want to laugh and have a sense of joy and fun with others. I want to see the beauty in others and in myself.

I don't know if this will happen, but I am trying to state it in a positive way, instead of a negative way. Just for the hell of it. I'm going to go let myself lie down for an hour and come back.