The most wonderful feeling today. And as usual, like usually happens in life I am finding, it was completely unexpected. Maybe a result of intentions being put out to the universe? I don't know, but all I can say is it was about time! I was going out of the public market on my way to the gelato place, and I ran into the juggling guys - this group of people that are so nice and friendly who wander around Portland juggling! I just love them, this is the third time I've met them. The one guy said "It's good to see you again" and we chatted for a few minutes, me trying as hard as I could to keep my tone and body language casual.
Then the guy who I particularly like, whose name I don't know, said to me "You should come to our Open Mic tonight at the Community Television Building!" The words hit me like a ton of bricks, but a GOOD ton of bricks. My eyebrows when up and I stared at him for a second. He started to explain where it was. I said, "No, I know where it is and I like that place, I'm just processing." Then I asked him some questions about it and told him I'd try to go if I could figure a ride back afterwards.
And I walked to the gelato place in a happy daze. Let me explain. That is the first time in .... well I could say seven years but I'd be lying, because even before I developed chemical sensitivities that kind of thing didn't happen to me. I didn't have the social connections. Oh, I suppose there could have been an isolated time or two in college, but even then I think it was me planning things to do with my 1 or 2 friends, who didn't have much of a preference either way. Has that ever happened? I don't know. But it was delicious, just delicious.
Because, you see, it's not like I haven't been invited to places in the past seven years. Oh, I've been lucky enough to make friends, to make a few casual acquaintances here and there over the years as well, and they would invite me places from time to time. But, enter MCS, they were never places I could go. I have resigned myself for the last seven years to living a life where my only social opportunities were Whole Foods, gelato place, public market or online. And the occasional venturing out somewhere else that I *made* myself do but never really enjoyed, just gritting my teeth all the way through.
So, when he said this, two, no three, thoughts hit me simulatenously. One, and first and foremost, "OH MY GOD THAT' S ACTUALLY A BUILDING I CAN GO INTO!" Two, oh my God that's actually something I'd like to do. Three, I'm in Portland and that's two blocks from where we're standing. OMG I'M GOING!"
What a great opportunity, I thought to myself, to be with other creative minded people likely my age in a fun environment where creative things happened. Now, since I'm me, I had to slightly ruin it (but not entirely) by going to whole foods first and spending most of the first hour there so that my friend who had agreed to go with me had to, shall we say, push his timeline out a little bit and we had to shorten our visit considerably, which I was apologetic about.
But it was still so sweet. When I walked into the building and had no symptoms - I do not know why I do so well with the CTV building but oh thank God I do and I hope that does not change - and walked right back there like I owned the place (actually, very tentatively, but doing it at all, oh my, it FELT like I owned the place) and sat down there, in a crowd of about maybe ten (not a high attendance but oh well) and felt the energy, the beautiful creative, relaxed, happy hippie type energy in the room.... I was happy. I was so happy. I was relaxed (except for obsessing a little about how long I'd get to stay) and I was happy.
It didn't matter that the comic acts on the stage weren't all that funny. They were okay and they had a great spirit to them. The audience had a great spirit to them. The person singing when I walked in was doing an incredibly botched version of a Lonestar song - I'm Already There - but I was just happy that A) It was a song I knew and B) It wasn't too loud. All the acts after were comedy, so I am curious to know what the other musical acts sounded like, but I suppose I will have to wait to next week for that.
We had to leave after about 30-40 minutes because we had gotten there late, and I wanted to stay of course but I knew we couldn't.... But thinking about it now, I am just so thankful it happened. It might have been a small slice, but it was a slice of normalcy of the kind I hadn't experienced in seven years or longer. I am thankful and I want more. I will be there next Thursday. I was even going to speak had I stayed longer... I was composing a poem as I sat in my seat! That's how bad I wanted to get back into the world. Next time =)
Now I only ask of myself three things for going forward. For the last two days I have done pretty well at remembering the "Right where I need to be" statement gleaned from Margie's, and also the "I laugh in the face of my gremlins." I ask myself that I remember those two things and put things into perspective as much as I am able to. I ask myself to have patience and remember that as much as I want everything right now, it will take time, but it will come, and to never lose sight of what I have and to appreciate what I have. Not to lose sight of that in the pursuit of something more. And to feed myself. If I do those things I think I have a good chance of getting the kind of life I desire.
"If you can concieve it, and you can believe it, you can achieve it."
I need to start looking at room ads and believe there is something better out there for me. I like Rob, of course, but need independence and need to believe I can have it. It's all what you believe in and what you tell yourself, much as I hate to admit it.
I want to have a life where I can determine my schedule and easily walk places. Now that I have a taste of, an inkling of, places I might be able to actually go - it's intoxicating. I want to believe that I can have a life where I might go somewhere to volunteer during the day, and some social events to partake in during the evening. I want to envision being able to cook for myself, as I am doing, and to take care of myself. I want to envision independence, I want to envision being part of the community. If I am patient, maybe it will come true.
3 hours ago