Monday, February 17, 2014

Trusting in the Universe?

Well,  I had so many thoughts circling around my head, I thought I'd try to make them a blog entry instead of a long Facebook status like usual. But I can't promise polished writing... Just random thought journaling as is my usual habit =)

I'll skip to the end of the day, although the beginning and middle was no less noteworthy. I left at 2 and didn't get back to 10. Long day but full of interesting things.

After my abbreviated and somewhat frustrating therapy appt, though, I had spent every last ounce of energy I had. I decided to go to the gelato place as I had a lot of time to kill before Rob came and didn't want to spend it all in Whole Foods. Talked to the girl whose company I enjoy there but then was too tired to do anything but sit and listen to my music and of course sip on my gelato...
K, though, who works there is so wonderful, she listens to me talk, and when I left and tried to pay for my gelato, she said to me "It's on me tonight. You deserve it!" Oh man, that just melted my heart. It meant so much to me, not the not having to pay but the gesture. It showed she cared. I love that . It made me so happy, I perked up immediately. Thanks K!

I had been a little depressed because when I get tired and start looking around at everyone there and playing the game of either "They're more functional than me" or "They're more social than me, they can converse better than I do, look how natural their conversation is, look how easily they talk to each other"  The latter is by far the most dangerous of the two..... I thought to myself, NO WONDER I was depressed in college, I was surrounded, no completely immersed in "triggers" ie people who triggered these thoughts (x100 in intensity because it was even before the Asperger's diagnosis) EVERY SINGLE DAY! In fact nearly every single waking moment. I was trying to be strong enough to resist the thoughts and comparisons, reminding myself of the chapter in David Finch's book where he covets his neighbor's (yes so stereotypical do not covet your neighbor lol) seemingly perfect life, and his wife finally convinces him that what they have is good for *them.*

I was reminding myself of the whole toaster vs hair dryer brain analogy and everything else I could think of. Only worked about 50%. Which is better than none. Sometimes you just need to leave. Giggly girls my age are a sure trigger for my insecurities - and they stayed a long time! Still working on that trigger. I'll get there some day.

Anyway, I ran into someone I knew who was telling me awesome Jewish jokes which were hilarious, and that was certainly nice. Then I walked into Whole Foods to wait for Rob to pick me up in an hour and scanned the cafe to see where to sit... and saw someone I knew from Margie's meetup group who had only come once. She called out to me and I went over to sit with her.

Thus started a 90 minute wonderful, intense, fulfilling, one of the most meaningful conversations I've had in ages. I didn't even want to retrieve my grocery cart from where I left it when I saw her for fear of breaking the spell of the conversation. We are both very open people and sensed that in each other so were able to have a deep conversation about health related issues and talk about social interaction issues we shared. This is someone I had only met once (and ran into for a minute or 2 a couple other times a long time ago). I love, love, love being able to do that.

So, the lesson is, besides how wonderful the conversation is, that sometimes you get exactly what you need when you least expect it.... you just have to find the strength to be patient, go about your life and open yourself up to opportunities.

I find it ironic that I left the gelato shop being jealous of the conversations the people in there were having, thinking "Well, I can have good conversations too but .... with who???" (Who in that moment, I meant, but aside from my few friends like Nate and Rob that is often a question) and then not 10 minutes later the answer is literally dropped into my lap in the form of a 90 minute deep conversation with someone I'd only meant once. Thank you, whatever spiritual being that exists!

A similar thing happened last week/2 weeks ago when I was leaving the public market and thinking to myself "Gee, I really wish I had something to do tonight, I don't feel like going home and doing nothing.. I wish I could stay out longer and do something..." and then I swear, not two minutes later I descended the stairs of the public market, walked outside and these guys I knew who juggled around Portland saw me and said to me "Hey, Kate! You should come to our open mic night tonight at the CTV building!" And I'm standing there in shock, thinking "....Someone just invited me to a social event that I not only like but am physically able to go to. Has that EVER happened before?"  And it was amazing.

If we want to stretch the concept further.... it took a a LOT LONGER TO GET than I would have liked, but finally when I was about at my breaking point in terms of having nothing to do and nowhere to put my energies and focus, the Maine Jewish museum came to me and in the 2 weeks I have been involved with that, I have really derived a lot of satisfaction, self worth, contentment, connection and energy from it... and hope to continue to do so.

I also recall how worried I was about the winter... and the lack of heat... until thank God we got that really bad cold spell very early in the winter which showed me that yes I could handle it... and I've had no problems since... most of the winter weather has actually been very enjoyable, with the crisp air and blue skies that I love so much... who would have known.

So I'm thinking by writing all these examples down, I can convince myself to trust in the universe.... not a God, I don't do God, but trust in the universe I suppose... trust that when I *really* need something, it will appear for me... no matter how much I think it won't, no matter how much I think there's no way. Trust that I will find the resources to handle what I need to handle . Margie says to put your intentions out to the universe and trust in what you get back. And other things I'm too tired to remember. That other woman says "you're right where you need to be." I've been thinking of that a lot .

Will this turn into a friendship? I hope so. In college I had a lot of one-time deep connections/deep conversations with people that happened all of a sudden that I could never turn into a friendship, though, so I don't want to get my hopes up.... but I will see where it goes and hope that it does turn into a friendship... I could use a female friend, I love my guy friends, but it would be wonderful to have a female friend.

We may see each other again on Thursday tentatively....

Well I have to go to bed........... short summary of day..... Went into Children's Museum for first time (go me), applied to volunteer, cryptozoology museum too which I did not like at all, looked at apt in east end with a roommate which was better than expected but still don't know about, had to walk back to eastland area for abbreviated therapy appt, which was an extremely long walk, went to gelato place, was tired and grumpy, K gave me free gelato because she said "you deserved it," and I already wrote the rest.

I suppose I can't complain about not having enough to do after doing all that. What a varied and purposeful day!

I love Portland.

May I have hope and patience and belief in my ability to have a good future going forward.


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