Self-Acceptance and Social Norms

I was inspired to write this post tonight after listening to a song I used to adore in college, Me and Emily by Rachel Proctor. Music for me has always been the most emotional medium possible. I cannot even begin to express the level of emotion that I experience when I listen to music... usually positive emotion, of course, as I listen to music that makes me feel good and that I like, but the opposite can be true, too.

When I was in college, my only source of joy was listening to the Baltimore country stations. Looking back I have often cited this as a weakness, poo pooing my lack of ability to make friends and upset that all I had was the radio. But you know what? Maybe I had more than other people had and didn't even know it. The radio gave me joy. What made me miserable was my feelings of self comparison with others. Had I been able to stop that, I would have seen that living with in your own joy is the way to make your life work. No matter what it is that brings you joy or how your life looks in comparison to others - if it works for you, then it's where you should be.

Going back to tonight....

I was barely paying attention at first. When the the opening notes of Me and Emily by Rachel Proctor came on, however, I was instantly transported to a different land. It's the difference between knowing something intellectually and FEELING it, and oh my, sometimes feeling it can feel good. (In fact, if I could shortcut my brain and access positive feelings more often I'd be very happy. It's only really music that has allowed me to do that.) Anyway, so I was transported to a different land. I saw myself dancing away in the field behind the library at my college, belting this song out at the top of my lungs. I felt myself , back then, feeling the joy, the emotion, the CONNECTION as it filled up my whole body, my mind, my heart, my soul and spirit and I became one with it. I remembered what it felt like to quiver with ecstacy, to let the music take control of my body, and to dance as if nothing else in the world existed (and believe me, for me, at that time, it didn't).

I saw myself at that utility pole in the middle of campus where I used to get the best reception to all my stations, listening to Skin by Rascal Flatts with both an enormous smile on my face and sigh of wistfulness, wishing I could have what the last line in the song so eloquently delivered... "And for a moment, she wasn't....scaaaaared."  I remember the exquisite joy of thinking how this wasn't even supposed to be released as a single, but it was so good stations all across the country were playing it anyway.

And that's just with two songs....

But most of all, what I felt when I listened to these two songs tonight was a sudden realization. I DID experience happiness in college. I DID experience joy. I HAVE felt what it feels like to be utterly and wonderfully alive. And it may not look like anyone else's version of being happy.... it may not look anything like anyone else's life....but it is happiness, nevertheless. Happiness cannot be measured, defined or perceived in relation to what everyone else is doing. It is a common mistake we make because from the time we are small, we are acculturated to behave a certain way, think a certain way, and have certain values. We are taught by mass culture the "proper" way to have a life. For most people, their lives will differ from these ideals but maybe in smaller ways. For those of us with disabilities or radically different brains.... Our happiness, our functionality, is going to look radically different. And we might spend the rest of our lives trying to come to terms with this.... We might spend the rest of our lives trying to accept ourselves in the context we have been raised in.

But really, if listening to Me and Emily by Rachel Proctor can make you THAT happy, why would you even bother to try? Why force yourself into a box that is that ill-fitting when you could be so happy if you just accepted that the things that make you happy are not going to be the same as others, and the things that make you upset are not going to be the same as others, either? Why chase an ever changing , fleeting definition of "normalcy" all your life when real happiness is so easily attainable?

True, there may be some compromising, in as far as you want to be able to connect with or integrate with the world around you. But there might not have to be as much as you think. Joy begets joy, if you are truly in the place where you were meant to be.

I only hope that I can remember this and find a way to live it - instead of merely writing about it as it occurs to me. Time...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKU5wkATl9w Video of song

The Moment The World Stood Still

The most wonderful feeling today. And as usual, like usually happens in life I am finding, it was completely unexpected. Maybe a result of intentions being put out to the universe? I don't know, but all I can say is it was about time! I was going out of the public market on my way to the gelato place, and I ran into the juggling guys - this group of people that are so nice and friendly who wander around Portland juggling! I just love them, this is the third time I've met them. The one guy said "It's good to see you again" and we chatted for a few minutes, me trying as hard as I could to keep my tone and body language casual.

Then the guy who I particularly like, whose name I don't know, said to me "You should come to our Open Mic tonight at the Community Television Building!" The words hit me like a ton of bricks, but a GOOD ton of bricks. My eyebrows when up and I stared at him for a second. He started to explain where it was. I said, "No, I know where it is and I like that place, I'm just processing." Then I asked him some questions about it and told him I'd try to go if I could figure a ride back afterwards.

And I walked to the gelato place in a happy daze. Let me explain. That is the first time in .... well I could say seven years but I'd be lying, because even before I developed chemical sensitivities that kind of thing didn't happen to me. I didn't have the social connections. Oh, I suppose there could have been an isolated time or two in college, but even then I think it was me planning things to do with my 1 or 2 friends, who didn't have much of a preference either way. Has that ever happened? I don't know. But it was delicious, just delicious.

Because, you see, it's not like I haven't been invited to places in the past seven years. Oh, I've been lucky enough to make friends, to make a few casual acquaintances here and there over the years as well, and they would invite me places from time to time. But, enter MCS, they were never places I could go. I have resigned myself for the last seven years to living a life where my only social opportunities were Whole Foods, gelato place, public market or online. And the occasional venturing out somewhere else that I *made* myself do but never really enjoyed, just gritting my teeth all the way through.

So, when he said this, two, no three, thoughts hit me simulatenously. One, and first and foremost, "OH MY GOD THAT' S ACTUALLY A BUILDING I CAN GO INTO!" Two, oh my God that's actually something I'd like to do. Three, I'm in Portland and that's two blocks from where we're standing. OMG I'M GOING!"

What a great opportunity, I thought to myself, to be with other creative minded people likely my age in a fun environment where creative things happened. Now, since I'm me, I had  to slightly ruin it (but not entirely) by going to whole foods first and spending most of the first hour there so that my friend who had agreed to go with me had to, shall we say, push his timeline out a little bit and we had to shorten our visit considerably, which I was apologetic about.

But it was still so sweet. When I walked into the building and had no symptoms - I do not know why I do so well with the CTV building but oh thank God I do and I hope that does not change - and walked right back there like I owned the place (actually, very tentatively, but doing it at all, oh my, it FELT like I owned the place) and sat down there, in a crowd of about maybe ten (not a high attendance but oh well) and felt the energy, the beautiful creative, relaxed, happy hippie type energy in the room.... I was happy. I was so happy. I was relaxed (except for obsessing a little about how long I'd get to stay) and I was happy.

It didn't matter that the comic acts on the stage weren't all that funny. They were okay and they had a great spirit to them. The audience had a great spirit to them. The person singing when I walked in was doing an incredibly  botched version of a Lonestar song - I'm Already There - but I was just happy that A) It was a song I knew and B) It wasn't too loud.  All the acts after were comedy, so I am curious to know what the other musical acts sounded like, but I suppose I will have to wait to next week for that.

We had to leave after about 30-40 minutes because we had gotten there late, and I wanted to stay of course but I knew we couldn't.... But thinking about it now, I am just so thankful it happened. It might have been a small slice, but it was a slice of normalcy of the kind I hadn't experienced in seven years or longer. I am thankful and I want more. I will be there next Thursday. I was even going to speak had I stayed longer... I was composing a poem as I sat in my seat! That's how bad I wanted to get back into the world. Next time =)

Now I only ask of myself three things for going forward. For the last two days I have done pretty well at remembering the "Right where I need to be" statement gleaned from Margie's, and also the "I laugh in the face of my gremlins." I ask myself that I remember those two things and put things into perspective as much as I am able to. I ask myself to have patience and remember that as much as I want everything right now, it will take time, but it will come, and to never lose sight of what I have and to appreciate what I have. Not to lose sight of that in the pursuit of something more. And to feed myself. If I do those things I think I have a good chance of getting the kind of life I desire.

"If you can concieve it, and you can believe it, you can achieve it."

I need to start looking at room ads and believe there is something better out there for me. I like Rob, of course, but need independence and need to believe I can have it. It's all what you believe in and what you tell yourself, much as I hate to admit it.

I want to have a life where I can determine my schedule and easily walk places. Now that I have a taste of, an inkling of, places I might be able to actually go - it's intoxicating. I want to believe that I can have a life where I might go somewhere to volunteer during the day, and some social events to partake in during the evening. I want to envision being able to cook for myself, as I am doing, and to take care of myself. I want to envision independence, I want to envision being part of the community. If I am patient, maybe it will come true.

On Being Approachable, or Loving the Damaged Parts

Free-associated thoughts in response to a comment I just got. 

Someone just said "thanks for being approachable." I thought to myself, is that it? Is that all I have to do? People can see it as such a gift for me to just be myself? Then I thought of all the people I know are not approachable and I thought well maybe it is. Maybe it is. I hope so, anyway. I just need to find my people... 
I am struggling to love myself. So many people are telling me all of my good qualities and that I need to love myself more. And I appreciate it more than they will ever know. But are they any match for memories like this one? I need help re-framing these moments into a self-concept in which I *can* be loveable. 

It reminds me of a time in college, a bad memory which I am glad I now have an antidote for. It was one of my worst memories from college. It was after a sociology class, where we had been talking about relationships or some related topic. I had already been feeling shaky when I went in, and always struggled with self-esteem being surrounded by so many people my age who I saw as better than me while living on campus. I began to get agitated by the intense feelings of self comparison that were coming at my fast and furious while she was talking.... I lost my composure which I usually could hold while in class (but not after class) and started crying... Harder... and Harder... while everyone ignored me. I have to tell you, being ignored when you are crying is perhaps the most difficult, most painful feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life. I shudder just thinking of it, but unfortunately I had *plenty* of time to learn it in the first two decades or so of my life.

Class ended, and the teacher stood there looking at me uncomfortably, not saying anything, or not saying much anyway. I don't think she was cut out for these situations. At my breaking point, I sobbed to her an agitated, tortured "Am I THAT untouchable??" or something of the kind. I felt as isolated and separated as a person can feel. It's painful just remembering it. She left, and if I remember right I proceeded to collapse on the hallway floor convulsing and sobbing (usually I managed to at least find a bench or couch in the hallways to have my post-class breakdowns, but not this time.) I remember my fingers and hands were tingling, maybe lack of oxygen because I was crying so hard. I was spent. It was an evening class and the building was empty. I do not know how long I would have stayed there had not a girl I knew only vaguely happened upon and asked me what was wrong, after quite a bit of time had passed . That was all I needed. Someone to care. Someone to care! Someone to feel connected to. That's all I ever wanted . I was able to pick myself up and be okay after that.

That's just a slightly more (but not much) intense version of what most of my days in college were like. Meltdowns, profound lack of connection, isolation, loneliness, and then, brief moments of human connection to put me back together again. Is it any wonder why I avoid most people my age like the plague? I've never learned to feel secure about myself around them. I do not know how to go about starting.

But I'm told I'm approachable. Well, at least someone likes me.

How am I ever going to do a presentation on Asperger's that is honest and true to my life when all of these memories make me cry....If I could find a way to heal them maybe I would start to love myself and I wouldn't have to try so hard to quash them down when I interacted with the world.

Right Where I Need to Be

I go to a self-improvement style meetup one town over near where I grew up (so it has nostalgic value too) every two weeks, and have for the past year and a half. It's a very nice group of people and I feel very fondly towards the facilitator. 

At the meetup tonight, one thing we talked about was "I'm right where I need to be," and I tried to imagine a way of living where I could be okay with existing in whatever physical or mental state I was in... And find a reason behind it, know that even though it just seems like it's mindless unnecessary suffering, that actually, there's a reason behind it. 

If I look back at my life over the last 10 years or so, I can see times where I thought I was just mindlessly suffering, but those times ended up being a great source of inspiration and growth when looked upon with the viewpoint of a few years. In fact, I've said this before, but had I never had to move around the country for several years to survive, I wouldn't be anywhere near the (mostly) well-rounded, intelligent person I am now - I wouldn't have PERSPECTIVE, and perspective is what I have always desired more than anything. I wouldn't have a sense of the world around me. I wouldn't have a sense that people can live in so many different ways and that's okay. I wouldn't have any self-esteem or confidence.

So, I ask myself, what am I preparing myself to do or be now, during this time of partial suffering and partial growth? What will I see when I look back on it in a few years that I can't see now because I'm too close to it? How will I grow? Maybe I am "right where I need to be." Maybe there is a reason. Maybe it is okay to simply exist sometimes and not have to constantly be worrying about matching my life up to an idea in my head. In fact, if there is one theme in the meeting tonight, it was that life should not be lived trying to match it up to an idea in your head. It should be lived as it is.

One guy at the meeting had had six or seven different careers - from doctor to stock market to flight attendant to psychotherapist. He's nearly 70 with a great sense of energy. He just went where life took him. One girl was talking about how the ocean brings things to us and takes things back, both good and bad - trash and a beautiful shell in the same wave, and we need to accept it all. She said she learned acceptance from the ocean.

In this book I'm reading (The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch, my second time reading it) he talks about how his wife tried to teach him how to go with the flow. He said "But you won't accomplish anything that way. " She said , "But life throws punches and if you don't go with the flow, you will be knocked down, and then you definitely won't accomplish anything."

All good food for thought in a very inspiring meeting with 14 people - 6 men and 6 women, no wait, one guy came late, so it must have been 7 men which means it's the first time in history there were more guys than women! - and a very nice exchange of ideas. And now I want to listen to some Gary Allan  And hope I can keep these ideas in my head for longer than the time it takes to type them up!

Also, today I went to the Jewish History museum. It was beautiful. They said I can volunteer there to do some research and also do a presentation on autism, so I am excited about that! 

At the End of the Day

""At the end of the day, did I laugh and dance enough
Did I tell my friends, how much they really mean to me
At the end of the day, did I really push myself
Or was I too afraid to give my heart away, at the end of the day

I wanna learn, I wanna love
Take some big chance and just trust in my instincts
And my intuition, if I win or if I lose
Any road that I choose, I will drive all the way

I wanna know, tonight as I fall fast asleep
I am one day closer to who I wanna be"

Kellie Coffey, At the End of  the Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whtPjwNuHGU

The other night, I was reading some old blogs of mine. I was a little jealous, I have to say. I was jealous of my exuberance, my ability to find joy in even the smallest things and write so well about them. I am not saying I have lost that entirely, but it seems to have been impacted a little, shall we say.

But today, I started to re-realize that I still have it within me, it's just hard to access at times. But after a week or so of being mostly indoors or the local area because of the snow, cold weather and holiday, I went to Portland again today. I was quite tired and grumpy when I got there about 1230. I was dropped off at Whole Foods. I didn't feel like shopping. It was only 8 degrees out, but that was better than -4. I decided I'd walk up to the gelato place. Which is quite a walk from Whole Foods. I do not usually walk from WF, I walk to it. Pearl St is easy to walk down but murder to walk up! Especially with the snow - it's quite steep. But I did it anyway. I wanted that frozen code - 20% off, because you get one percent off for every degree below zero. And I wanted some gelato wake me up.

It took 25 minutes, but I did it. One of my favorite people was working there, Kristina. We chatted, and I smiled, and I was happy enough. Then I tasted that dark chocolate noir sorbetto after a week of not having it... Oh, heaven in your mouth. The burst of chocolate, thick fudgy intense dark chocolate! It's like nothing else. And the strawberry balsamic was like heaven today. The strawberry pieces were pureed more coursely than usual, so you got little bits of strawberry pieces and every bite was a sweet delicacy. Then the mango? Ohhh, the smooth, perfect combination between tart and sweet, melt in your mouth mango. They were all so beautiful. I finished all of the strawberry and most of the other two. I got 20% off, as the temperature was 12 upon arriving, which was about a dollar. I was filled with joy for the place, the people. I smiled broadly at each arriving person. Kristina told me I was only the second person to come that day, as it had been cold and they had opened only two hours earlier. I considered it an honor. I told each new person who arrived that they could get 14% off! (Now it was 18 degrees). I stayed there for an hour and then walked back, this time full of energy.

When I got back to Whole Foods, I was in such a good mood. Gelato usually does that. Everything just seemed wonderful. Whole Foods makes me happy. I didn't have the anxiety about shopping I usually do. I laughed and sang and hummed and danced as I got my apples, bananas, fish and hummus. I laughed and danced through most of the store, until I got really tired. And I got some good food.

It was Nate's birthday, so Rob, Nate, Judy and I had a celebration with him. I gave him the presents I had gotten him at the bookstore last night - the calendars, Big Bang Theory bobblehead and knick knacks. Rob got him a tea set. We played Crappy Birthday for two hours, which was absolutely hilarious. And we connected. I showed him a paragraph in a book I found last night that I thought sounded like me, and he agreed. I found this Icelandic yogurt that while it tastes terrible seemed to fill me up more than most things, which was good. And I smiled.

I pushed myself past my anxiety. Both last night at the bookstore, the day before at Clayton's, and today at the beginnng of the day. I asked myself, what is really important here? It's not how I feel .How I feel is just a means to an end, a seemingly important but really insignificant factor in trying to get to a goal. And what is my goal? HUMAN CONNECTION AND INTERACTION. That is my goal. That is what I need to measure my days by. Not how I feel, if I can help it. I can't completely stop that from being important to me but I can try as much as I can to practice not assigning it as much importance. I can try as much as I can to keep myself in motion towards some kind of goal. That will make me sleep better, that will give me a feeling of being content, that will chase away the depression, anxiety and despair far more than trying to protect myself to the "nth" degree and worrying to death about every little symptom. I don't know if I can keep it up , but I did it today. And what was the result? I laughed and I sang. I danced. I let my friends know how much they really meant to me.

And tonight as I fall fast asleep, I will know, as Kellie Coffey sings, that I am one more step, however small, closer to being who I want to be.

Man, I want to keep doing this . It feels good to try to get closer to who you want to be. Eye on the goal. The problem was I didn't have a goal, I couldn't come up with a goal that seemed feasible. But I'm starting to see. It won't be easy. But if every day I can do one thing that makes me a little uncomfortable if it makes me closer to my goal, perhaps my thoughts will not be on how scared I am of my life but on how rewarding it felt to try and probably succeed at something new. Yes, there will be anxiety about symptoms, but it likely won't be as bad as the anxiety and despair over doing nothing! That is what I have to learn. I have my work cut out for me.

I am continuing to try a course of an ADD med , although I am still not at a high dosage and should try that soon, as I think it helps me focus and keeps the anxiety thoughts that distract me more in the background.

The last few times we've played games, I have been unable to focus or attend, just going through the motions, fighting back tears, really. But today I was engaged and attentive, I was laughing, I was connected, I was smiling, I was really present. Man, did it feel good! And I was so happy to give Nate a truly good day when so many of them with me end up being rather challenging. I also thank the God I don't believe in for Whole Foods... I almost always feel good in there. And I love the people who work there!

Another quote that has helped me is this quote I saw on a calendar last night

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

I think that says it all and helps me conceptualize it in a way I hadn't before.

Remember what really matters. A goal, and connection to others. The intense negative emotions that come in between? The physical sensations that are so unpleasant? The anxiety about functioning and the future? They're just what fills in between the stars. The stars are there, if you look. I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. There are gaps in between good and in between calm. But I must remember, they are only gaps. They are not the end.

Calmness, patience, stillness and determination will win the day.

And a really good dish of strawberry balsamic gelato.

I also ran into Bobby who manages the gelato place at whole foods and had a nice chat with him, and my former roommate in South Portland who I hadn't seen since I left. He has such a kind face. He has kind eyes. What happened at the end was not indicative of the kind of person he was.

Now I have to go do some more of taking charge of my life before I can relax before bed.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

January 2, 2014
New Year's Blizzard / -2 degrees
Yarmouth, Maine

Thoughts upon walking in the storm, with only light winds, at around 5pm. 
Not that I want to repeat this on a regular basis but the novelty of it was nice once. 

The world looks like a snow globe. Fuzzy flakes all around you, all different shapes, raining down like confetti on New Year's. Perfect white blobs in a perfectly white and perfectly quiet world. The air is sharp and invigorating. It is fresh and feels good to breathe, provided one is dressed for it. When you walk in it, you see a changed world. A white world. Few cars are on the street, and when you walk down it, walking fearlessly over the snow in your boots, you get the sense that the rules are somehow changed, that the world is a softer, kinder place. Eventually, your glasses fog and when you change direction, the wind blows the snow in your face. 

You can't see hardly anything, except vague shapes and a vague outline of snow and white. You have a vague sense of where the street ends and the sidewalk begins. You have a vague sense of how far right you have to be to stay out of the street and away from cars. But aside from that, you have to trust your body and your sense of place and time. You have to trust your feet to keep walking, your legs to point you in the right direction. Step by step, step by step, you propel yourself forward, trusting yourself to get in the right direction, to arrive at your destination even if your eyes can't necessarily tell where that is and how far away. Step by step. 

You trust your body to get you where you're going. When you get to your house, you almost miss it. It was an interesting walk, the light snow covering the intersecting and empty street making a perfect plateau for some light dancing. Almost as if you were ice skating. Yes, you think to yourself with a kind of muted glee, I *can* dance in the snow in a blizzard in -2 degrees. Yes, I can. You do it a few times with almost a sense of guilty pleasure before you decide you had better save some of your energy for the walk back. You wonder what the few passing cars, traveling rightfully so at a snail's pace, are thinking. You get out of their way and then return to the beautiful plateau of white and purity, illuminated so perfectly but so briefly by the overhead streetlight. And then you turn on your way, time to head home. 

Aspie Holiday Party

Aspie Holiday Party December 21, 2013

We threw a really nice party at Rob's house today, a holiday party. It started about 5pm, and Chantel was the first to arrive, followed by Guy, his wife and his cute 5 year old son Jack. Then Nate came with Reid, Amber, W and N. J arrived later. We had about 12 people in all. We had food because it was a potluck. I had made some rosemary roasted potatoes that everyone liked very much. We also had a big bowl of candy, most of which gotten eaten, surprisingly, because it was all gummy stuff that I didn't think looked appetizing, and some chocolate truffles. People brought other stuff as well.

The highlight for me was meeting the two new female Aspies, N and J. I couldn't get enough of them. J said that she had seen my website before when she googled Asperger's and Maine and it was the first thing that came up! She said she read it and it really helped her feel better about having Asperger's, really helped her accept it. She said she had wanted to email me many times but was too scared to! Omg. I was so flattered I couldn't believe it. She kept saying "I'm sitting next to a celebrity." She didn't know I was going to be at the party. If I hadn't tried so hard to arrange the two women getting transportation here, it might not have happened, also. Wow. She had read everything I'd ever written. She lives in Portland. Also, she is as sensitive to fragrances and chemicals as I am - that is the SECOND time in the last two days that I have met someone who is sensitive to nearly the same degree as I am, I couldn't believe it, that never happens - so already we had two big things in common. Also, by pure chance, she had spent a month at Lost Valley in Eugene, just as I did. Omg, I couldn't get enough of her. We were drinking each other up.

It was like trying to drink a really tasty but thick beverage with just a straw - you couldn't get enough. I showed her pictures of Lost Valley I had on my computer .What a coincendence. I showed them the book my essay had been in. Everyone kept talking about what a good writer I was. I was just blown away by the praise. N, the other Aspie woman, was also very enjoyable to talk to as well. She had a very kind and friendly energy to her. The three of us sat talking and they were hanging on to my every word, I couldn't believe it. I felt so loved, so included, so valued. The three of us talked for a long time at the beginning before we mingled with the others. We talked about maybe creating a female Aspie support group at another location. The guys were definitely into conversation as well. Their conversation centered more on things like science, math ,and economics though. It's interesting, put a group of people together, approximately 5 girls and 5 guys, and a very natural split occurs, even with Aspies... the guys break away to discuss more impersonal topics like the above, and the women break away and talk about relational things like their lives. Interesting, that.

Guy's son Jack was very cute and so photogenic. I love taking pictures of kids. He kept making pipe cleaner toys for me and saying "This is for you." Kids can be great. I talked to a few other people in the group I hadn;'t talked to in a while. We did the Yankee Swap, which was my idea and I created. I bought a few extra presents today at the toy store for those who forgot to bring one or chose not to bring one, so everyone had a gift. And as it turned out, everyone liked their gift! Everyone just by chance got the gift that was perfect for them. I even got as a joke some fake dog poo, because it was cheap and it was funny, and the person who got it loved it. He works in a grocery store and says he can use that for jokes at the store. It was nice to arrange my own Yankee swap.

We didn't even have time for any games or a movie because everyone was talking. We talked as much as any group of NTs could, for three hours. =) I was pretty happy with the outcome, although I am a little tired now.

It's a lot of information to process! I write this not to be a piece of art but to help me process what went on and remember it for the future. I think I have made a new friend. It's the most female contact I've had in ages, and female Aspies at that. I would like to see more of them. Maybe we'll have to make our own little group. I love my guy friends, but I would *love* to have a group of women peers to be with. I've never had that in my entire life. I think it would be so very nice. I will have to be patient and see if it happens. And be patient with relaxing from all the excitement from tonight! I think we got some good pictures. Wow, how nice to think I can throw a party, or Rob and I can throw a party, for our friends just like other people do and have it be a success. That's definitely saying something. I've been a lot more social lately.

Writing social group

Another post from Facebook I am putting on here.

Groceries on the counter, stomach empty except for yogurt and a little turkey I had earlier, need to recharge before can do either. What a day.

The meetup was really good but I am pretty exhausted. Being in Books a Million for 2.5 hrs takes a lot out of you. My body is all like "hey we kind of don't feel like breathing right now". But my brain is like "Thank you for giving me that nice social opportunity to meet other people and reconnect with an old friend." And then my brain is like "I wish Borders was still there." Hahaha.

About 12 people, mostly significantly older people which usually I don't mind but I didn't really get the touchy feely relational vibes from them. But luckily closest to me were three younger people who were putting out those vibes. So I talked to them. One in particular was extremely interesting. She works in a library in Limington, near Standish, quite far from here. I was very glad that my friend Carol went to the meetup with me so I had someone to take comfort from, and I was able to get a ride from her, and most importantly it was just really good to see her again and talk to her, as I hadn't for some time. The best part really was after the meetup when Carol, this other girl and I were all talking. I could feel the place bothering me but I just chose to ignore it and make myself talk, pretty much what I did at the synagogue. I feel similarly not good like I did at the synagogue. But once in a while...Gotta stretch yourself I guess. Want to see how the rest of the world lives.

This other girl M was sitting there and she said "Wow, those magazines are really fragrant." I'm like, woah, did you just say what I thought you said? She said, yeah they're really smelly. "I don't like anything with artificial fragrances. My house is a scent free zone." I'm like, woah. I totally get you. Ha, what are the chances?  Too bad she lives so far away, but maybe could visit her if I'm visiting my parents, or if she's willing to come into Portland. She positively vibrated with passionate energy. Her eyes positively danced. She was petite like me and we were sitting in exactly the same way... one leg crossed over the other and using our hands to gesture as we spoke. Her face spoke volumes. I really like meeting those kind of people. It just makes you feel so alive, so connected. The three of us all said we wanted more community and more social connections. My other friend might be starting a new meetup group that could be interesting, that might meet at whole foods.

The bookstore wasn't as much a madhouse as I would have thought it would have been, given the holidays. Long line, but other than that. Not like the toy store in Portland.

There was a guy who looked like straight out of central casting for a poet... Hard to describe but yeah. He was nice. The guy who lead the group talked a lot about upcoming events for the group. Most of what they do is critique writing which I'm not really all that interested in.

I also got to do some grocery shopping so do not have to worry about that. Now I just have to put it away, Sigh. I went to the gelato shop briefly to talk to the girl there, we talked about Burlington. Sidewalks were more clear today but it was damp and felt chilly even though it was 35.

So now I have to be positive and calm as I deal with and accept the tiredness and offness and weird breathing feelings that come with spending 2.5 hrs in Books a Million, and be patient while they pass. Eventually. And remind myself it was worth it to expand my world.

And hope I can get some sleep tomorrow. Apparently we are having the storm door installed tomorrow. Yay, more newness in a day when I really just need to relax. So much fun. Haha. Not. Hopefully I will be more well rested by then. I need to be thankful for what I have.

That concludes this episode of what Kate did today....

Need to remember ...
I am loved.. .I am cared about... even if I sometimes can't see it or feel it or forget it. I exist in a cloud of love. I have abilities I do not even realize and doubt myself too much. I have the ability to connect with a wide range of people and people see me in a much more positive light than I see myself. Therefore I should not judge myself so harshly. Everyone seemed glad to meet me and talkto me at the meetup. It was much better than the general social meetups I've been in the past since it was based around a common, intellectual interest. My friend said, you've had to develop a lot of confidence since you've been through so much. And I didn't really think about it that way before... because although I've developed more social confidence because I wanted social interaction so badly that I just decided to not care what people thought, to an extent, and go for it, I constantly doubt myself in other areas. But I do find that with every challenge I am able to meet it, surpass the obstacles, even thrive , or so people tell me.... It's just the before and the after that really sucks. The anticipation and the comedown. So... Need to believe in my self... Need to try not to have so much anticipation anxiety... Ive surmounted all kinds of obstacles most people don't even have to think about. And instead of being ashamed that I have these obstacles I should be proud that I've managed to overcome a great deal of them.... Maybe not all of them or as much as I'd like but... a lot of them. Food for thought.

Hanukkah Party at Beth El in Portland

I just posted this on Facebook and it was so long I thought I could make it into a blog post. I cannot believe I have not posted in here since May. My life has been in turmoil since May and that is probably why. I lived at my friend Rob's for the spring, an apartment in Portland which didn't turn out very well for the summer , and am back at Rob's for the fall and into the winter. Trying to find a way to make my life into a life despite the many problems I have, the chief one being how to go places , what to do with my time, in a way that doesn't aggrevate my chemical sensitivities and problems going into places. How to find a way to be part of a community and interact with people while still keeping my body happy. I have been going to meetups in North Yarmouth and the woman who leads them, Margie, talks about following your passion and your delight and the rest will follow. So today, I saw there was going to be a Hanukkah party at a synagogue in Portland, and even though I had never been in the building and I couldn't get transportation from the friend who was going there, I made up my mind to go. I got a ride to Falmouth, a bus to downtown Portland, another bus to Brighton Ave where the synagogue was located, and met my friend there. It was a difficult thing to do , but I did it. This is what I wrote about it.

I feel completely wasted but I accomplished my goal. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it is beating out of my body. I feel like I can hardly breathe. I  am strangely calm about it but I don't know how long I will stay that way. I accomplished my goal. I took the bus from Monument Square to Brighton and St John to get to the synagogue. It was dark out so I didn't know where I was on Brighton and got off three blocks too far. Walking down Brighton in the dark was creepy and a bit scary, it wasn't very well lit. I found the street I needed, Devonshire (ironically the same name of the street mom lives on in Montana) and walked down that, and found the synagogue, Beth El, which I had never been to before.

I spent several minutes outside trying to get the courage to go in. I felt tolerable inside but then when you get to the main area where the Hanukkah party was, man, it was loud, with everyone talking and the music. It was a large room with a lot of tables and chairs and people, but I missed the candle lighting and no one was playing with dreidels. Very little Jewish stuff happening.

I found Janine , with whom without I would have been lost. I felt like I couldn't talk at all. I felt a pressure on my body and felt uncomfortable. I felt like it was physically hard to talk, but I would be damned if I was going to make all the effort to go there and do nothing but talk to Janine (no offense to Janine but I already know her). I asked her how to talk to the others but she didn't really know so I thought, well, I don't really know how to mingle, but I know how to chat with people, so I'll give it a try. So with great effort I put my best smile on and went up to people and said, "Hi, I'm Kate and I'm new at this temple." They introduced themselves and I asked them where they were from, what they did and so on. They asked me the same. With some people, the conversations were rather short, and with others they were longer. I talked to probably 7 or 8 people, I didn't start to the end of the evening so I didn't get to everyone but I got to a lot of people.

Janine knew someone who lived in Brunswick and so could give me a ride home as I was on their way, and fortunately they were even fragrance free as well, I thankfully had no problem with their car. They were very nice, the husband in particular.

The nicest people I met had just moved here from Texas, and said that they didn't think anyone in Maine smiled very much. lol Apparently people are always smiling in Texas, but it is a fake smile they said. The dad was a doctor, in geriatrics, and their daughter, who was 12 but looked and acted much older ,was very pleasant to talk to. We played dreidel a bit. She told me that in ancient Rome or somewhere the reason that people shook hands was they wanted to make sure the other didn't have a knife or some weapon. Isn't that fascinating? I did run into the problem of not liking to shake hands but most people seemed to be understanding of this. The rabbi seemed nice enough, she was a woman.

Everyone told me to come back and I admit if transportation was not a problem it would be tempting, but I can't take feeling this shitty very often so I probably will not. I would however be very tempted to go to services at Bet Ha'am in South Portland, because probably due to their concrete floors or whatever it may be, I found I did not react at all there. I would need transportation there (or back from there) however. Perhaps I could call the office and ask if there is anyone in this area who goes and could give me a ride.


So while emotionally I feel satisfied that I did something meaningful with my day, in all other ways and especially physically I feel very shitty and not able to do much. I feel like I am going to fall over and can barely sit up. I am trying to tolerate it, because I want to be part of this world. But if I let myself think about it, I would be very worried, because functionality in this state is very difficult. I need to be patient until it passes. It better pass soon.

What a day. I did accomplish my goal though. I feel really far away from everything though. I pushed myself to act friendly and to say "normal" things to make conversation and now I just feel half dead .But I wanted conversation, I wanted the experience. We'll see how it turns out for me in the end, I guess, huh?

"You can't explore new oceans if you're not willing to lose sight of the shore." So true.

I am not in Bend! A Love Song to Portland

I had been trying to think of something to be happy about, lately. Tonight was no exception. My little brother called me, and this made me very happy, as it was so nice to hear his voice and to talk to him. He also used his new knowledge as a nurse to help me with a medical issue I've been having. We got disconnected, and I was happy for a while till I got to not being happy again, and then I finally got him on the phone again. He had been going through the mountains and lost the call, through the mountains to Bend, Oregon.

I used to live in Bend. That's a long story that I wrote extensively about on another blog. The blog has now dissapeared, which makes me dissapointed. I did not like Bend, for many reasons, mostly that the dry air and extreme sun made it hard for me to breathe and made me very disoriented. Also, people are very fragrant in their use of perfumes there, and it's as far away culturally and geographically from Maine as you can get without being in, say, Arizona.

So, as I hung up, I thought to myself, I have something to be happy about now! I am not in Bend!
That thought alone was enough to make me happy.

The other day, I was in Portland, walking the streets that I love so much, and I made a list of all the things that had made me smile and made me happy while I walked around. I have unfortunately lost the list, but I will try to recreate it here. I stood there, the intersection by the Eastland right by the art musuem as I waited to cross, after walking down from Longfellow Square, and I thought to myself,
after a lovely, sunny, beautiful day of walking around my beloved city of Portland, "Please let me remember just to be happy to be near Portland. I love this city so much. I love everything about it, and even though my life is in turmoil and I am not where  I want to be in any sense of the phrase, let me remember that as long as I can get to Portland, I must be doing all right."

I can't claim to have remembered that plea to myself as much as I would like. I get upset, depressed, agitated, even hopeless at times, so many times, since that moment only a few days ago. But I am remembering it now, and if I remember it at least on and off, maybe that will be good enough. Maybe that is all you can ask.

For now, I present

Reasons to be Happy in Portland on a Sunny Tuesday in May

Pink cherry blossoms swirling around your feet as you walk down Pine Street in the West End
An impromptu concert at the Bank of America balcony in Monument Square
Stores that have their doors open, heralding spring
Street musicians adding to the joy and wonder of the city - guitar and even violin
Sitting on the square granite monument in the middle of Monument Square that has held you for so many years, through so many lives - It is still there. You are still there, and it is still there, and its permanence soothes you.
The guy who plays his guitar on Commercial Street who remembers you and starts to play the Beatles when you approach
The gelato shop, the lox place, and being known by people who work there
Coconut and chocolate sorbetto and the best lox in the state consumed on a lazy afternoon
The boats of Long Wharf, their reflections shining in the water
People, so happy to be out in the sun, lounging in the parks from Longfellow Square to the Old Port
The familiar streets and buildings, the people watching, the buses, everything working like clockwork

I walked that day, from Monument Square to the water of Commercial St to get some lox, back up to Monument and further up Congress to the art museum and then Longfellow Square, down Pine St to get to my appt. An hour later, back down, to Fore St in the Old Port for some gelato, back to Commercial to pick up the lox I bought earlier, and taking a new way, a shortcut I had just discovered, Union St straight up and a right to get to the street that would lead me down to Whole Foods. Walking around Portland feels like living out a love song for my city. It is a meditation, it is an expression, of a kind. Portland's streets are the mantra of which I live my life, at least the better parts of it. Do I always feel like this? Not every time, but enough , enough to make it worth it.

I have always swooned over Portland and I suppose that I should be thankful that in all the turmoil that seems to constantly follow my life, that has never, ever changed. I doubt it ever will.

How could anyone build a city more perfect than Portland? I admit, I am biased.

Because tonight I have something, however small, to be happy about.

I am not in Bend.

Hallejuah! I must be doing something right.